Just Stuff

I bought a special journal for my dad journal. It has a soft blue leather cover. I haven't bought a journal in so long, it was fun to go through the selection... I picked up so many and felt them. I have been toying with the idea of leather wrapped journals. That dream is getting closer and I think I will be learning how to do that soon.

I also ordered some supplies yesterday for new products for my shop, and will replenish the journal supply shortly after the move. However, in the meantime, check out the new photos I've added... many have a soft, feminine touch.

That reminds me. I'm still debating on whether or not to put my shop on vacation mode while I move. I've heard pros and cons. Any thoughts?

The past two nights, I've been unable to sleep well. Lots of weird dreams, tossing and turning. Waking several times throughout the night. So tonight, with no early alarm tomorrow, I'm taking melatonin and getting back on track with my sleep.

Sunday's the day we get our keys!!!

Easing out

I'm going to list an edited version of this photo today. One where I made it look softer, older, more muted. I was just sitting here thinking about photography, and I have not been very friendly with my cameras lately. Hopefully Saturday I can change that. If not, then next week.

I get my keys to the new apartment on Sunday! And we will start moving stuff in. I am thrilled at starting this new part of my life. I do wish Dad was here to talk to about it. But I'll continue to write in my Dad journal. Last night was one of those nights. A night where exhaustion hit me, and I had reached for the phone to call Dad a little earlier in the evening. And I allowed the tears to come. It was ok.

I entered that travel photography contest. The grand prize is a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 5 days. The other prizes are pretty high dollar gift certificates to local camera shops. We watched "couples retreat" last night and it was filmed in Bora Bora. It is worth it to watch for the scenery alone. And though I've never had any desire to go to Hawaii, or Bora Bora, or such places, now I yearn to have that type of beauty around me.

We will see what the future holds. I am noticing a definite shift already, as I get closer to moving out of the home where guilt and manipulation are served for dinner.

Moving Forward

I was talking to some friends online yesterday about my grief. I told them I felt like I had concrete boots on and I was just exhausted from trying to move forward. I was resigned to feeling that way for a long time.

But. I have 2 deadlines this week. One for a photo contest, and one for that photography-only show (the show I had talked to Dad about and he had encouraged me like mad). So, I made a list. A very small list, but it got the basics done. I asked for help, and my submissions are being taken in.

That one small move lifted my spirits. It made me realize many things. One, that my grieving won't be done for a very long time, and some days I will cry buckets. Two, that Dad knew me as a very purpose-filled person. He would not want his death to rob me of that.

I did start a Dad journal. With a conversation of sorts... things I want Dad to know, things I'm feeling, dreams I have. I'm getting by, with a little help from my friends.

At a Loss

I am at a loss. And here's why. What I want to do: stay in bed, cry, feel all the pain that's coming my way. What I don't want to do: go to work, take photos, call family members to check on them, list things in my etsy shop, do this week of The Artist's Way, take care of myself.

I have never been in this position before. I've always known what's best and done it. And not only that, but I have always guided others. Perhaps I still do know what's best, but I don't feel compelled at all.

A friend suggested yesterday writing a letter to dad and maybe tying it to a balloon to release. Perhaps I might do that, I don't know. I don't feel equipped to cope with all this.

Back to the regular Schedule

This is last weeks picture of the barn. I have the 6 or 7 weeks so far in a file on my desktop and I need to upload them to flickr for my group I'm planning to call "Back to the Earth".

I'm trying to jump back on the horse today with blogging. It's a bit difficult, as Dad had been a very loyal reader of the blog. The last thing he said to me besides "I love you" was "You've got to stay away from them crazymakers!" I do believe that's the best advice I've ever received.

So, slowly, I'm trying to ease back into my routines. I did realize yesterday why it's taken me so long to just assume all the old routines. When I do that, I go on autopilot. Full autopilot. And I pick up my phone to call Dad.

So, back to routine with some revisions. I'll get there. Oh yeah... what have I learned? I learned from Dad to be the best person I can. I learned from his death to pursue my dreams while I have time. I will be listing and prioritizing!

A Sad Day

The world lost an amazing man today. My father passed in the early hours of the morning. I am extremely raw and tender still and I can't say much. My heart hurts. I will say that I think he was this blog's biggest fan, and I am thankful for every single memory I have.

If you're a new reader, type 'Dad' into the blog search bar at the top left. You'll see what my dad means to me.

I will be absent for a time.

My Favorite Job

I was talking to one of our drivers at work the other day. We were talking about how we'd like to go through life making things a little better as we go. It made me remember my most rewarding job. Ok, parenting has been my *most* rewarding, but I am talking about jobs with a tangible paycheck.

In another life, I was a job developer for Developmentally Disabled adults. I would go out into the community, find jobs for them, train them, and follow through. However, my favorite story doesn't involve community employment.

I had a client named Ron. Ron had cerebral palsy and mental retardation. He was about 40, drove an electric wheelchair and only had use of his right arm and hand enough to feed himself and control his chair. Ron had never worked a day in his life.

I got a contract for my clients to shred confidential documents. Ron could not read, so there was no need to worry about him reading what he was shredding, so staff signed the confidentiality agreements, sorted and weighed the paper and Ron got to work. Ron was slow to start, but he caught on. His first check was something like $0.48 and he was thrilled!!! It was the first time, like I said, that he had earned anything.

A few paychecks later, and he was earning $10-30 each paycheck. Ron bought me a hamburger, he was so happy!

So... that was my favorite job. I made the world a little better with that one.