Contemplate

Today I am going to ponder. I am going to breathe and attempt to take the day slowly. Not sure how that will pan out at work, but I will be a gentle soul today.

Evening yesterday was spent making journals. I got two completely made, and I have four more ready that need to be sewn only. I will have many more made by the end of the weekend. It is good for my soul to stay busy. But more important than staying busy is HOW I am staying busy-- by creating.

Hoping for a productive weekend for us all.

Journey

Many days my journey feels like this photo... climbing, climbing, up and into darkness. I know it will lead to wonderful, beautiful things. But what a long climb! I am old enough to know that anything good takes hard work. And that tells me I am working towards something fabulous!

My dad called me last night. He sounded great! His latest surgery was a success and he said he feels so much better. We talked about everything from health to politics, to child-rearing. If my journey ended tomorrow, it would have all been worth it because of this reclaimed relationship with my dad. I've written a lot about our relationship. But I realize I have not written a lot about him.

He's retired Navy. He was a cook. And a damn good cook he still is. Dad looks like a member of ZZ top, and he has (I think) 20 something tattoos. He had side jobs while he was in the Navy... making and decorating wedding cakes. He made the cake for my first wedding. A beautiful cake... 3 tiers I think, with a fountain and stairs. It was gorgeous. These days he takes photos of sunrises and sunsets. I should get him to send me a couple so I can share with you. I will definitely ask him about that.

Dad has mellowed, and has a lot of insight about life. I think of his journey as more like a rollercoaster... but one where he had to walk up the track a lot... climb the steep parts. I don't know this for sure, because we've never really discussed it, but perhaps he had a bit of swimming against the current. He is not perfect, nor has he led a perfect life. But I think of him, and I see him with wonder in my eyes. He is amazing to me.

Dad and I did not have a lot of contact before last summer. And that's all water under the bridge... I've written a lot about that. But it is so awesome to me to see how many of the same viewpoints dad and I have. We both know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can't moan about the past. The past is done, and it is what it is. And every single step we have ever taken has made us who we are.

And we... all of us... are amazing!

Today I woke up so tired. But it's off to work, then make dinner, do laundry, hopefully make a journal. Then bed. So I had better get over being tired! My pain level is remarkably lower today. Hopefully it will stay that way!

Yesterday, I saw a girl I know. She had a breast augmentation. Now her breasts are HUGE. Seriously. She has a tiny frame and these things are as big as her head. And, for whatever reason, seeing her made me start thinking.

Knowing her, I knew she must have had the surgery to keep her man interested. And I was wondering to what lengths I would go for such a goal. Would I go under the knife? Perhaps when I was in my 20's. But now? No way. In fact, all I would do for anyone other than me is all the same stuff I would do for me. Watch what I eat, exercise, meditate, apply natural looking makeup. There is nothing to gain from plastic surgery. Don't get me wrong, I don't judge others for it... (this all came up from a comment the augmentation girl made to me). I think there certainly is a time and place for augmentation of any sort. Sometimes, breast augmentations are to make clothes fit better, or to boost self esteem. And as far as rhinoplasty, face lifts, botox, etc... my opinion is that it has it's pros and cons. Someday, I may see a personal need for it.

Personal need though... I don't think I would ever go to those lengths to attract someone else. What would be the point? Or to hold onto someone else? No way!

These thoughts don't usually even occur to me, but seeing her yesterday... for whatever reason, self-analysis was the result. Not the self-ridiculing kind of the past. But a complete acceptance of my physical form. What an interesting occurance! I have turned a corner in my life.

So...

I returned to the specialist yesterday. My nodule has not grown, therefore, he said it cannot be the cause for my pain. He said it is not 'remarkable'. His theory is that all of my pain is from acid reflux. He said all of my symptoms point to that. I got a prescription, and I am willing to try it.

Honestly, I'm not convinced. But I am willing to try. If this is not relieved within 2 weeks, however, I will make an appointment with another doctor. I've never had a problem with acid reflux before, so hey, maybe it is what's going on. We will hope.

I'm also considering many different alternative routes. A friend of mine here goes to a naturopath, and he's covered by my insurance. Also, I will be looking into specific meditations, more reiki, etc.

I did not go in yesterday in hopes of him scheduling a thyroidectomy and letting it go at that. But I also did not go in thinking we would be 'trying' something altogether different. He did tell me that if this Rx does not work, I may need to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist to figure out what's going on in there.

I was venting to a dear friend last night. And I was telling him how it had affected me. How I was unable to communicate. And I got so angry. Not like me. I don't like relying on others, and I do not like not knowing what's going on inside.

As I typed that, something clicked. I need to go inside. It's MY body. I need to meditate, journal, whatever it takes, then present my case to whomever. Or perhaps I won't have to... possibly it's healing I can do myself. I will meditate on this throughout the day.

Good Monday Morning!

My dad is the proud owner of 2 new stints... and he is doing great! He went home from the hospital on Saturday.

I am still on a high from my picture taking yesterday. I love digital cameras! It is amazing to see the results of your work so quickly.

Today is my doctor's visit. I'm sure that I will be thinking all day about how to formulate my thoughts and concerns to him. And I'm still very hopeful that this is not all in my head... that I've not gone totally mad. I will most likely post a short update this evening... if I'm not too exhausted.

Exhaustion has been a regular part of my life for awhile now. I am so tired of being tired, you don't even know! Last night, I was so energized, posting new stuff on Etsy, updating here, texting my sister in law. Then I crashed. hard. Exhaustion overtook me and I had to go to bed. About an hour earlier than normal. It was a wonderful sleep though.

So, I will be talking to the doctor about that. And about the pain. About my recent inability to speak about my thoughts/feelings. About my moods. About all my concerns.

So many times, though, I find that I leave the doctor's office with more questions than I went in with. I hope this is not one of those times. I need answers. I need to be able to start working towards closure on this.

Above is one of the photos I put on Etsy last night... an amazing view of this beautiful city I live in, with Mt. Hood in the background.

Busy

Today we went for a hike and on a picture taking trip. I took close to 400 photos. I had such a beautiful, exciting day. And this weekend I made 2 journals. Several photos and both journals have found their way to my etsy shop already! I feel so productive!

I hope that all of you had amazing weekends as well.

I sit here this morning, blank. I have a touch of the flu and am pretty blah.

I have some fabulous ideas for journals, and hopefully this weekend will include making them. I also checked out my latest photos I took and I was pretty pleased with what I saw.

I got a call from my sister-in-law last night. My dad has another blockage and has to go back in for surgery... probably another stint. So I called my dad and he seemed a little anxious. He said they will keep me posted.

Anyway... nothing really to say today. I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday.