Marissa

I called my niece Marissa last night. She is 13 and the day before, she picked her mom's casket. Just as I had done at 14. I can so relate to that girl, and I really wanted to make a connection. But I forgot. I forgot who I was at that age. I forgot that we are the same. I asked her how she was "well, I'm doing a lot better than Dad is." I knew that because I had talked to my dear brother, yesterday was his worst day yet. It hit him and it hit him hard. But back to Marissa. I was talking to her, explaining how I could relate to everything she was going through. And she was unreachable. She was in that same place I was at that point. She is the strong one, and she is watching out for everyone else.

"You want to talk to my dad?" she asked at one point. "No, I will talk to him in awhile, I called to talk to YOU," I told her.

Soon I will put some information up about each of the kids. Their dreams, their likes, general stuff about them. And together we will decide what to do for them for Christmas. I am being led to do this, and several people would like to help, so I will set up a dedicated paypal and will post several follow ups.

Nothing can take away this families pain. But we can help make Christmas more bearable. Their first without their mother (my brother's first without his wife), and also their first without their grandfather and grandmother.

Sometimes I am my own Crazy Maker

A lot of discussion about crazymakers lately. I am in the thick of doing The Artist's Way again, and each time I do the program, so much is revealed to me. Crazymakers are those in your life who constantly spin out of control and make your life a living hell. I equate them to the Tazmanian Devil, spinning around, destroying all near them, or at least attempting to.

I have very good defenses against crazymakers. I journal, I have a good thought process and can identify them very quickly. But most importantly, I have an amazing support system. And the amazing supports in place generally negate all harm a crazymaker can do.

However, there are times (very seldom, thankfully, but it does happen) when I am my own crazymaker. Sometimes, that crazymaker is called PMS. Sometimes it's simply called jealousy, insecurity, exhaustion, or generally being fed up.

Yesterday was one of those times. I trudged onward, I did my work, I went through the motions. But on the inside... I completely felt like my head was going to spin around and I would shoot venom out of my face like in the exorcism movies. I let two people into my head yesterday. Only 2. Two people who I love and trust a great deal.

One of those people completely understood, the other couldn't even comprehend why I was feeling the way I was. But both were amazingly supportive. They both helped me to work through it.

I pride myself in being strong. In having almost impermeable walls. I have amazing self-protection skills, and can work through most things. But when the attacks come from within, it's time to pull from the strength of those around me.

As I re-read that last paragraph, I'm filled with awe. It wasn't too long ago (in the grand scheme of things) where I would have NEVER leaned on another for help with the crazymaker in my head. I would not have wanted to show my vulnerability. Would never have admitted weakness. But I have grown. Amazingly so. And with my new-found strength comes a knowledge that I am not strong on my own at all times.

Sometimes strength means drawing from others. Sometimes it means talking through issues, admitting your weaknesses. Or simply being held while you struggle.

I wish you all well on your journey. Don't forget to lean on those around you. It does not make you weak.

Working through Adversity

I have always said that everything I have gone through has made me the person I am. That means all the good and all the bad. I find myself thinking of that through tough times. My motto is actually helping me through! Yes, things are tough, but imagine who you'll be when you come out the other side!

I'm in several different situations right now where I am in contact with negative, venomous people. I have to make it through without letting them break me. Unhappy people often become bullies, wanting to make everyone around them as miserable as they are. It's not going to work on me!

Instead, I have a network of wonderful creative souls who I can draw from at any time. I find shelter in their love, their energy. If the bullies are pecking away at my armour (as they love to do), I just retreat, I strengthen, and I resist their attacks.

So why stay around such people-- the bullies I mean. Because sometimes in life that's the way it is. Sometimes you have to be around people like that at a job, sometimes even in your own home. As far as I can see, that's ok, because of my motto. I'm not a glutton for punishment, though, I do limit interaction. But when there is interaction, I come through it stronger, more resolved.