Fight for It

I've thought alot about yesterday's post, and yes, I know that regardless of the diagnosis, there's always hope. I was just writing about the attitude I took to it. Receiving the diagnosis of MS hit me hard because I watched my mom deteriorate.

I've done a lot of research, and know there are at least 7 different types of MS. Each of them with varied results. My brain was telling me not to give up, but my heart accepted death as the fate. Many reasons for that.

If I were to receive the diagnosis today, after as far as I've come, I don't think I'd give up. I think I would begin some sort of treatment immediately and fight it like a madwoman. What's different? Age. Wisdom. Many life lessons. And the fact that I have built a life worth fighting for. I have created beauty and joy. And love. Much love.

If you were to receive a dire diagnosis, what would sustain you? What have you surrounded yourself with that would be worth fighting for? It's never too late to build the life you want.

When You are Dying...

When you have a diagnosis, and you have something with no cure... when you have the same disease that your mother died from... when you are dying:

You stop seeing the vibrant colors of the every day. You lose the pep in your step. Your life stops being about excelling. It gets to be about surviving. You start putting your affairs in order. You try to make sure the "survivors" will be ok.

You stop growing. You stop setting goals aside from "don't lose this ability", "don't get sicker". You stop contributing to the world.

You put your novel away, figuring you'll never be alive to finish it anyway.

But mostly, you lose hope. You stop inspiring others. You stop giving, you try not to take too much, but you stop contributing.

6 years were robbed from me. 6 years I no longer saw the bright everyday colors.

But today I sit here shaking my fist at that diagnosis. I see the colors, I excel each and every day. I am working on projects and I am contributing.

My Diagnosis of MS

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child (who is now 16), I had some crazy symptoms. I would lose all sensation in my legs, falling on my face several times. My mom had died from MS when I was 14, and because of the family link, the doctors always looked towards it.

The symptoms would stop for months at a time, only to pop up again later. Tests were ran, and then I got pregnant with my 3rd son. I put a halt to all tests at that point. I concentrated on my 2 sons that I already had, and the new baby who would be joining us.

I had my youngest son when I was 24, and about 2 years later, was diagnosed with MS. I was at the end of my marriage, and had seen what MS would do to a person. I made the choice to not tell my husband about the diagnosis. I did not want him to stay because I was ill. It seems when you receive a diagnosis such as mine, you make some bad choices. That marriage ended.

A few years later, I chose to tell the boys about my diagnosis. At Disneyland, of all places. It's supposed to be the happiest place on earth, and I tell them their mom is dying. Wow. I was also in a new relationship. With a man who would take good care of me, but who was NOT right to raise my children. So, I moved hours away from my ex. (Becoming the queen of bad choices), and let my ex take care of my boys. Don't get me wrong, he's an excellent dad. And what a job he has done! However, here I was in a losing relationship with someone who "would take care of me" and had lost my main reason to live.

I had gotten married prior to that move. So, I'm away from my children, and in this marriage that I always knew wouldn't work. It has now been 6 years since my diagnosis. The MS was with me each and every day. I knew the steps that were to come, because I had watched mom deteriorate. I was prepared. The boys were in a good place, but it wasn't enough.

I hadn't been to the doctor for follow ups this whole time. I was prepared for the worst. But something told me that I needed to fight. So back to a neurologist I went. A dr. who was well known for his MS treatments. He listened to me chronicle this ugly illness. And he said something that stopped me short "I know MS in all of it's forms, and this does NOT sound like MS to me." So off to an MRI I went.

So, after 6 years, I now learn that I do not have MS. I am not indeed dying. Wow. My life changed again. The marriage was no longer acceptable. I patched my relationship with my boys. I stopped being the queen of bad decisions.

And I learned. I learned that life is worth fighting for. I learned that no matter what label you are given, you can fight it. Life is not about what is thrown at you. Life is about how you deal with it.