An Epiphany

The other day I was talking to one of my tribe... telling her that I was struggling with balance. I was lamenting to her about how I have to help people, but that I also struggle with finding a balance between that and doing all I need to do for myself.

Guess what she told me. She said "Get over it, you are a nurturer."

And it was like a spark went off. All this time, I've been swimming against the current, struggling, struggling, struggling with finding a balance. With changing this zebra's stripes.

Once her words sunk in, I breathed deep. I realized that I don't need to find a balance. I do what I do. I help others. And in the process, that fills my well. What an epiphany.

What AHA moments have you had recently?

Play

Last night after dinner, we began talking to our neighbors... the conversation progressed and ended up with them coming over to play wii. 2 adults and 2 thirteen year old girls. We were all talking and having a good time, then noticed one of the girls wasn't in the living room playing. Instead, she was sitting on the kitchen floor, with a notebook in hand, writing. I sat down with her and talked a bit. She has several books that she's written, sitting in her room. Hundreds of pages each. She has books of poetry she has written.

We talked for awhile about writing, but I wanted her to join the group and play. She refused. Her dad demanded she come out and play, she wrote more. He told me that's how she is. She has no idea how to play. I'm very impressed that she is so excited about writing, but she is thirteen! She is a loner, prefers to keep her nose in her notebook. And she doesn't know how to play.

That could have been me, and I'm so glad it isn't, honestly. It taught me a lesson about myself. The VERY thing I've been struggling with all week, I saw. Isn't that amazing? I will work to create more of a balance, making my evening time about writing more. But I will also play.

I meant to write a post today about the balance in my life, the yin and the yang... the opposing things that pull me to and fro.... and well, I guess I sort of did. But not like I had planned, so more on that soon.

Seeking Balance

I noticed yesterday that I'm an all-in kinda girl. Lately my thoughts have been on freelance writing, and writing my Round Table Discussions. I haven't taken a photo in at least a week, or even edited one.

When I took the above photo, we were at Multnomah Falls. I have photos from the same area from over a year ago. I've been struggling lately with seeing the same sights all the time. They are breathtaking and majestic. But I have captured them in the past. I think that's why I'm drawn to be a travel photographer and writer. I ache for the new. I plan on many new trips this summer, and hopefully it will be the start of something.

I don't want to stop doing photography. Yet I've shoved it to the back. I have had many people contact me about doing Round Table Discussions, but nothing concrete has been set up yet. Still, no photos.

I tried editing some photos last night, and probably would have been more successful, but other things came up and took precedence (mainly a lot of cleaning since we were just told our annual apartment inspection is today). This weekend I hope to find more time for editing and listing photos.

And more time to dream of places to photo. I am moving next month, it's only one town over, but there are new sites. Lots of discovery will occur, and I will take my camera.

Balance will not always elude me. I will find a way to make all of my dreams fit.

Time...

Time is something I fight with frequently. I judge myself according to productivity, according to how much I can get done. Last night, I was not very productive. Instead, I did a few things that I've put off forever, and I played with Pandora radio, discovering tons of new music. I danced around the kitchen as I emptied the dishwasher. I looked into Ben Harper's soul. I rediscovered Floater, one of my favorite bands of all time.

I will not judge last night as a failure. I enjoyed it. I breathed. Life is good.

However, with the craft show just a few days away, tonight I will work by a list and get many things accomplished. And I am sure that I will enjoy that as well, because of the breather I got yesterday.

Balance. That's another thing I'm trying to apply. An easy, smooth balance in my life. Between discovering all the joys, and working hard. Relaxation, play... they do not come easy for me. But I am working on that. Ha! Working on relaxing. Seems like an oxymoron. But I'm driven to a fault. I need to learn to relax. I need to rediscover me.

Allowing the flow

I am going to be doing quite a bit of editing on this photo today. I should be able to get some done at work, along with writing in my friendship journal. I have definitely felt a creative surge lately. Brought on, I believe, by walking away for a bit. It was feeling forced, so I stopped. I didn't allow myself to 'work' at it for several days.

I didn't market my shop. I didn't go to buy paper. I didn't make journals. I withdrew. Then, much quicker than I had imagined, it pulled me back in. I made several journals over the weekend. I went to the rose garden to take photos.

I'm still not feeling completely comfortable getting back into the amount of time that I was "marketing" before. I think that's a good thing! I was getting so sucked into 'pushing my wares' that I was no longer enjoying the creative process.

I have a friend who is doing very well with his online shop. He pops online throught the day, markets, then goes about his day. I think he has good ideas. I am going to try that. Get the most bang for my online time. Not to say I won't interact with my online friends... but I will not be present to market constantly.

I am on a mission. A mission to find what balance works best for me. I can't stop creating altogether, that's not an option. And I can't market constantly because that sucks the energy from my creativity.

Kicking my own butt

So, I realized that I've been dwelling on some mistakes I've made in the past. Beating myself up for things. Sometimes, I think it's good to do that, because it propels you to change. But dwell on it too long and it just becomes like quicksand, sucking you under, refusing to release it's hold on you.

So, it seems that the lesson being shoved down my throat lately is balance. The yin and the yang of everything. I think I'm usually pretty good at that, but here lately it's been a struggle. And life has a funny way of hitting you over the head with a lesson until you get it!

I'm letting go of some online activities to make more room for the creating, and I think I probably need to get back to doing something I enjoy. Reading, writing, photography (the camera used to come out every day, but now it only seems to come out during planned photo days).

I will be working on creating something new tonight... not for my shop, something to give as a gift. Lots of thoughts swirling in my head this morning!

The photo above is a red winged blackbird... I absolutely love them! This one was so friendly, and their song is amazing.