Every Single Thing

I am embarking on the biggest, most rewarding journey of my life. And I was struck with the realization today. What I realized is this:

Every. Single. Thing. So. Far. In. My. Life. Has. Brought. Me. To. Where. I. Am. Today.

Amen, I say, after this hits me like a lightning bolt.

Every ounce of grief has taught me compassion for the human condition.

Being the caregiver for a bedridden mother taught me the same, along with perserverance.

The knowledge that even though my grandparents were very strict, bordering on abusive, the knowledge that even though they dealt with me with a strong hand, that they loved me absolutely and did the best job they were equipped to do.

Being a job developer for developmentally delayed adults taught me how to think outside the box and create opportunities.

Being the administrator of an alzheimer's unit taught me how to deal with staff and encourage them to perform their job duties well.

Working for a temp agency exposed me to jobs I never would have considered previously. Working the job I've now held for 5 years has helped me learn so many things.

My post-marital relationship with my first husband, and the amazing co-parenting we've done has taught me about fighting against the odds. Even my chaotic, drama filled 2nd marriage taught me so much about how people deal in certain circumstances, and how interpersonal relationships are affected by factors both internal and external.

Every single thing has brought me to where I am. And for that, I am thankful!

Lessons

Yesterday I ached. Muscles that I never knew I had hurt. Why? Because we got a playstation Move game that had sword fighting in it and I had gotten quite a workout the day before ;-). It is seriously addictive, and it's a LOT of physical work. Two very good things, eh?

But I was sore. It hurt to move. It affected my mood. I felt a bit defeated, actually, throughout the day, moving around like an old lady. I wasn't as upbeat and positive as I usually am. My physical affected my emotional. What an eye opener that was.

I am working with someone who has chronic pain. Mine was a very small window, but I can understand a bit more about how she might be affected.

I did two things yesterday that were out of character. One, I bought myself a small gift. Something that I had been wanting for years, but the last time I went to buy, the shop was closed. I happened upon the new shop yesterday and made the purchase. The other thing I did. Despite my aching, I made myself play that game again. I know the muscle aches were due to a good workout, so I did it again. And I'll do it tonight as well.

I learn lessons every single day. I don't know how to NOT.

I did It!

Saturday was a family fun day. I knew what was planned, the boys had NO Clue! We went to Mt. Hood Ski Bowl Adventure Park. They have alpine slides there that are like a luge, bungee trampolines, a 500' zip line, a bungee jump, and a reverse bungee. I did it all. One of my sons did it all. 2 of them opted out of the bungee and the reverse bungee, and hey, maybe they have more sense than I do!

I learned about Leap of Faith. Stepping off of that platform on the bungee jump was the most difficult thing I ever did. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely! Would I ever do it again? Most likely not. But I did it. At 38, I did something that I was deathly afraid of. I did it. That's what matters.

We covered fear a couple weeks ago in my Artist Empowerment Class. I think it helped with this. I knew that I had fear, and I understood all the reasons. I also understood that all the safety precautions had been taken, I'd be safe. So, the decision to jump or not was completely within me. The No almost won, I can assure you. And if it had, that would be ok too... but I can't really even tell you how amazing it is to me that I said Yes. Saying yes to a 100 foot drop is VERY out of character for me.

I'm pushing my limits. With the bungee, with my business, with my class, and with my life. I am putting it all out there and taking leaps of faith!

Taking Off

I feel like the students in my class are taking off... they are being launched into this whole new world and it's so exciting to watch! We recently went to the Hot Air Balloon Festival and watched about a dozen balloons launch. It's a slow process, with them unrolling and laying out the balloons, then testing their torches, and finally beginning to fill the balloons. They fill the balloons laying on their sides then finally they heat the air in them and pop the basket upright. A slow process, yes, but an amazing one.

This course has already taught me so much about myself and we're only a few days into it! I can only imagine what's to come. I will be offering this class again in the future. That, I am absolutely sure of! I'm also sure that it will be life-altering. Both for myself and the students.

Be on the lookout for more journals from me. There is a lot of busy-ness going on at my house!

Back to the regular Schedule

This is last weeks picture of the barn. I have the 6 or 7 weeks so far in a file on my desktop and I need to upload them to flickr for my group I'm planning to call "Back to the Earth".

I'm trying to jump back on the horse today with blogging. It's a bit difficult, as Dad had been a very loyal reader of the blog. The last thing he said to me besides "I love you" was "You've got to stay away from them crazymakers!" I do believe that's the best advice I've ever received.

So, slowly, I'm trying to ease back into my routines. I did realize yesterday why it's taken me so long to just assume all the old routines. When I do that, I go on autopilot. Full autopilot. And I pick up my phone to call Dad.

So, back to routine with some revisions. I'll get there. Oh yeah... what have I learned? I learned from Dad to be the best person I can. I learned from his death to pursue my dreams while I have time. I will be listing and prioritizing!

One Day at a Time

I'm realizing more and more what an exhausting time of year this is for people. So much pressure. So little time. And the pressure doesn't necessarily stop with the new year.

One year, many years ago, I showed my friend, Eric, my list of New Year's resolutions. He laughed at me because I listed some outrageous number of them... 13 I think. He told me that was ridiculous to have so many goals, and that I'd never accomplish them because I don't have just one or 2 to focus on and get done. I believe he had 1, maybe 2, New Year's resolutions.

He was right. I had too many, I became overwhelmed, and I'm sure I didn't realize many of them. However, life had other things in store for me. Eric was killed by a drunk driver the day after Valentine's. My life changed forever, and growth occurred throughout the rest of the year in ways I could never had imagined. He still touches my life today, and I no longer make long, lofty lists of goals. I take life one day at a time, moving forward, and always looking forward. Life is too short. I try to squeeze everything I can out of every day.

Eric and I shared a birthday. It's coming up very soon. Right before the new year. Each year, I think of him, and of how fleeting life is. And I honor his memory by being the best I can each day.

I *do* believe that 2010 will be amazing. I do have goals. But not New Year's resolutions. I have goals that I've been working on, that I will continue to work on.

My dad...

This is a photo of my dad. I'm guessing it was taken about 30 years ago. When I went to Utah last time, we went through his old photos and I scanned a bunch in. There were a lot better pictures of his face. Lots showing him in his Navy uniform, quite a few that show him cooking, several of him showing off his tattoos... but this photo speaks to me the most. Probably because it shows his deep-rooted love of photography. I am still amazed that we share that love.

Someone very near and dear to me has been pointing out other similarities between dad and I to me lately. We're both very stubborn. Extremely. We have our set ideas about what self-care is, regardless of what others encourage us to do. We are both very strong individuals.

My dad is my biggest hero. Thoughts of him are heavy on my mind today because he spent the night in the hospital again. However, Dad is an amazing fighter and he assures me that it's not his time to go yet. Know what? Against all medical knowledge I have... and even though all the odds are against him... I believe him. He has more than proven himself to me before.

So Dad... when you are home and you read this... know, that even in your struggles I am learning amazing life lessons from you. Thank you, and I love you.

Things I learned from my Dad

I've blogged quite a bit about my Dad. Loyal readers know that I've only had a relationship with my dad for 5 years or less. We didn't know each other until then. We had seen one another, at my mom's funeral, I stayed with him for a week around the time of my brother's graduation, etc. But we didn't KNOW one another. Then one Father's Day, a few years ago, I called him.

We got to know one another slowly, and last summer, I took my family there for vacation. Then I went on a solo trip to see him some months later. I took the above photo in his yard during that trip. The leaf looked like a heart to me. Dad and I had a few occasions to do some photography together. And if I was going to miss a spectacular sunrise, he'd wake me. Sunrises and sunsets are his thing, mostly because he can photo them from his porch.

I learned to fully appreciate the beauty in nature from Dad. I learned to make sure I notice the gorgeous sunset every morning. I learned that odds don't matter, you just keep on keeping on. And I have learned that laughter is such an important part of life. Dad always has a joke. They are generally very off color, but always funny.

Dad is in the hospital again and he seems to be in good spirits. I only worry about what he's not telling me. But he has jokes. He sent me a cell phone picture of a sunrise yesterday. He has love, and he has wisdom. My dad is my hero. The day will come when he is not physically here anymore (not anytime soon, I hope), but I will always cherish each and every moment we've had. Dad... thank you so much for all that you are!

Things I learned Yesterday

Yesterday I learned so many things. It was an exceptionally challenging day. So... here are a few things I learned:

I learned that communication is the key. And sometimes, when a relationship ends, you must assure others in your life that it's not their 'fault'. Even if there is absolutely NO WAY it could be, they still need that assurance.

I learned that no matter how close to death a spirit is, you can't predict the timing. I nursed our near-death ferret all day yesterday. He stopped taking fluids around 4pm, I let him rest, checking on him and talking to him periodically. I knew he would be gone by morning. This morning, still no stirring, but he is taking fluids. Who knew that Oliver was such a fighter?

I learned that when my heart is hurting, it is ok to finally let the tears spill out. I seldom let that happen, but the cleansing I felt was astonishing.

I learned that there are people... some very physically close to me... some who I have never met in person... who can soothe my soul.

I learned that no man is an island and no-one is on this journey alone. And I learned that my duty is to reach out when I need the support. Friends can't be there for me if they don't know what I need.

I was reminded that life is amazing. What did you learn yesterday?

After such a long weekend

After such a long, productive weekend, I had forgotten the time vampire that was work. I forgot how little I can actually get done on work days. I had forgotten what a huge chunk of time my 10 hour work day actually is, and how exhausted I am afterwards. Oh how I envy those with jobs at schools who have the summer off!

The picture today is one in my new line of journals where I utilize the photos I've taken. I took that picture on a drive up to Multnomah Falls... just a curve in the road, but it meant so much more for me. To me, so much of life is about the journey. Honestly, I think 10% of life or less is about the actual destination. It's all about what you learn along the way.

To me this journal would be perfect for everyday journaling, but it would also make a really wonderful trip journal.

I have something in my psyche that makes me need to run away. When I was married to my first husband, his mother and I shared that. So, about once a year or so, we would take off on a trip. And we would keep journals, and write through our feelings. We would pour everything out on the paper, wander through towns aimlessly, absorb all around us and go back home days later recharged.

Soon, it is time for another journey... this time alone. And I will be taking my journal with me!

If you'd like more info, click on the journal above.

Kicking my own butt

So, I realized that I've been dwelling on some mistakes I've made in the past. Beating myself up for things. Sometimes, I think it's good to do that, because it propels you to change. But dwell on it too long and it just becomes like quicksand, sucking you under, refusing to release it's hold on you.

So, it seems that the lesson being shoved down my throat lately is balance. The yin and the yang of everything. I think I'm usually pretty good at that, but here lately it's been a struggle. And life has a funny way of hitting you over the head with a lesson until you get it!

I'm letting go of some online activities to make more room for the creating, and I think I probably need to get back to doing something I enjoy. Reading, writing, photography (the camera used to come out every day, but now it only seems to come out during planned photo days).

I will be working on creating something new tonight... not for my shop, something to give as a gift. Lots of thoughts swirling in my head this morning!

The photo above is a red winged blackbird... I absolutely love them! This one was so friendly, and their song is amazing.