A new Quest

I realized some things yesterday. Was faced with some changes that I need to make. I need to get back on track. I need to move some things around in my life. Putting the focus back on my health. And also, remembering my goals.

Recently, when I was sick for a week, all of my goals were washed away by the necessity to just feel better. I stopped exercising. I wasn't eating properly or regularly. I stopped writing my novel (blaming that on getting writer's block, which I'm working through).

My life is FULL. My metaphorical plate is overflowing. It's time to put things right again. I have healthy lunches for the week at work, I have a renewed exercise schedule. I will be also scheduling writing and journal making.

Tonight I'm going to a meeting... so I have to adjust around that. But I will figure it out. The main thing I have to remember is to take care of myself with a more holistic approach. I can no longer be too busy to deal with emotions. Before, I think I was running from Dad's death. I kept myself amazingly busy for over 6 months time. And I succeeded in running from it for that long. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The depression swooped down on me and engulfed me. Then... and I'm sure they are related, I got sick. A type of sick that I couldn't ignore. A fever for a week. Complete mind and body fatigue.

I need to learn how to deal. How to not run from emotions. How to stay on track with all of my busy-ness without running myself down.

So I'm on a new quest. The quest for my balancing point.

Watch life pass by

I took this photo from the car window. I was experimenting, and having fun. I love how it turned out. I call it "Watching Life Pass By".

Today, my goal is to relax a bit... and watch life. I need to breathe. I've calmed down about the craft show, though I'm still making mental notes. I'm not so freaked out now. I will just focus on making steps forward, no matter how small.

Do you ever sit on a bench and watch people? I like to imagine where they are rushing off to, I create amazing, elaborate stories in my head about their lives, their hopes, their desires. I believe there's a certain amount of empathy that comes with this ability. My stories explain WHY they have that stain on their blouse, or why they put on a bit too much perfume today. The stories explain it away... You should try it. Seriously. It's fun.

Try to do something today that takes you *out* of the hustle and bustle of life. People watch. Meditate. Soak in a bubble bath. Create a world aside from the one out there... and make it your own.

Compartmentalizing

So, I have two impending interviews... I mentioned that the other day. I've had the questions for both for a bit now.... and I haven't been able to answer and return them. So, of course I've been doing some soul-searching to find out why.

I compartmentalize. People at work know certain things about me and not others. Same with people online. Each section of my life is put into a little box, and only brought out when needed. In the coming weeks, the fam and I will be going over to an online friends house to learn how to fuse glass. It's a crossing over. I'm a bit uncomfortable with crossing over. Oh I'll do it and I'll have fun... but my initial reaction is that I don't want to open that box.

Years and years ago, I wrote an online newspaper column. I can't say it was a job because I never got paid. The guy was a major flake. But, I went on a trip to Corpus Christi, TX, where I was raised. I had been chatting in the local chatroom there and had planned to meet a dozen people while on my trip. And of course, I was going to write about it. Out of those dozen people, one was the same in real life as she was on there. The others had grossly misrepresented themselves.

I don't want to be one of the 11. I don't want to be disingenuine. But I'm also very comfortable with my boxes. So I've taken a deep breath. I will answer the questions today, to the best of my ability, and send them out there. The two ladies who will be posting the interviews each seem like amazing individuals and it will all be ok.

That's not really the point though... as a general rule, when you put yourself out there it ends up being ok. Well, it does for me anyway. I don't have anxiety about putting myself out there, it's just those damn boxes. Which ones do I open and show you? Which ones are messy inside? Which ones are jam-packed with treasures? I think we are about to find out.

Overcoming Anger

I give 100%, generally. Maybe 75% when I'm ill. I expect the same from others. I don't get that from anyone else. And it makes me so angry! It does not change anyone elses response, it just makes me angry.

I don't like to feel angry much of the time. I want to do the things I do... work, run an online business, do stuff around the house, and have others pull their own weight as well. But I've learned that I can't control anyone but me. And that sucks!!!

So how will I deal with the anger and bitterness swirling inside me? I will use it as a catalyst for change, if things remain the same... but in the meantime, I need to deal with ME.

I need to breathe. I need to meditate. I need to lose myself in the things that bring me joy... which means of course never actually losing myself, but immersing. Tonight when I get off work, I will make some journals and list them. I will sort through my photos and see which of those I'd like to list. Perhaps I will email some old friends, and I will package up some orders to mail out. I'll peck away at the chores as well.

What I won't do. I won't yell. I won't get angry. I will take care of me. Perhaps I'll even enjoy a soak in the tub!!

How do you take care of YOU? How do you deal with anger?