I did it again

I just posted a couple of weeks ago about how we define ourselves. Then last week, I was completely defined by how I felt, or so it seemed. It's very difficult to not get sucked into what we feel physically.

When I look back, I can argue... I was not defined, I still went to work and worked long days every day. But that's not what I mean. I felt absolutely horrible. I was ready to drive off of a bridge. And every breath reflected that. People at work pulled me aside, asking if something bad had happened because I looked so sad.

This time, however, was different. It was like I was separated into separate parts. The largest part was down in the dumps, exhausted, and completely ready to throw in the towel. However, another part was playing detective. It was asking questions....

"Why do you feel this way?" "Is it PMS?" "What was different immediately prior to feeling this way? Diet? Exercise? Daily routine?"

And finding my answers was a little difficult, as it ended up being me going off a medication three WEEKS prior, and the week before being a very busy Spring Break. Exhaustion was easy to excuse. It was the despair that frightened me. And that little detective was not about to let despair win!

I am not sure that the little detective has always been with me. What I am sure about, however, is that he is here now, and I think he plans to stay! Thinking about it, I think he came to be by my introspection... by blogging, talking with people, meditating, journaling... I created him!!! How awesome is that??

Defining Yourself

Yesterday I read this blog post. It's written by Sarah, who I recently met on Twitter. Sarah is on a journey and I have been drawn into her story for about a week now. I will definitely continue to follow it, because she is making changes in her life! Sarah writes about how her illnesses have defined her. And about how she is changing that! I urge you to read it, there's such a sincerity in her writing.

I was watching something last week and the person had been diagnosed with HIV, maybe it was House. But, after years of living with it, they became depressed upon hearing they did not have it. It was explained that when you have a diagnosis you identify as that. Losing that diagnosis wipes the slate clean, and sometimes it just makes the person feel empty. That, along with Sarah's post prompted this post.

I was mis-diagnosed with MS for 6 years. It defined everything I did. Everytime I got dizzy, it was my MS. Everytime I forgot something, yep, the MS. Muscle aches, weakness, tingling extremeties. My MS was with me constantly. It affected many decisions I made in my life. I totally let it define who I was. When I went to a new doctor, he asked about my symptoms, and he filled pages and pages with everything I told him. Then he looked at me and said "I will run the tests, but it does not sound like MS to me." I thought he was crazy! Within the month, the diagnosis had been lifted.

There were decisions I had made during that time that I am still working to reverse. And, I was kinda depressed. I didn't really express why to anyone because what kind of insanity is it to be sad that you are not dying of an incurable disease? But I no longer had a crutch. I had no easy way to dismiss when I forgot a conversation. I had nothing that made me 'special'. Not rational thinking, no. But that's how it was.

I had not really thought about that much til I read Sarah's blog yesterday. My un-diagnosis came about 5 years ago.

When I think about it, I realize that we all need ways that we are defined. I'm a mother. I'm a woman. And something I've not been feeling much of lately... I am an artist! I am a photographer. Sometimes I'm a mentor. I am a friend.

I really don't think my dad let's black lung define him. Perhaps he lets his Harley define him :-). And I think his family may define him. He's a dad, a grandfather. He is not his illness.

So, reading Sarah's blog about the journey she is on... it made me realize that I've drifted off of mine. It's time to get back out there and BE. I need to be the artist I am. I need to express my vision and move forward with it.

What journey are you on? How are you defined?