Ducks In a Row

Isn't it funny how life changes your vision? This is how it works with me, anyway... I get a vision of what it is I want to do. It's a broad spectrum at first. Then, as I pay attention to the signs, it gets focused in.

I have been planning, getting my ducks in a row. And the focus has been becoming clearer and clearer to me that phase 1 of my plans absolutely must help people with grieving. So off I go.

Phase 1 of my 2011 plan will help people with their grieving process, and it will be unveiled by February. Phases 2- infinity will be carried out afterwards.

2010 taught me more about grieving than anything else. I've seen all the ways people grieve. I've seen grief empower people. I've seen it destroy them. I've seen people drown in it, with no-one reaching out to help them. That just isn't acceptable to me. Grief weakens a person. It can destroy their foundation. I want to give them tools to build that foundation back up. To help them trudge through the muck and come out the other side stronger than before. In 2011, that is what I will do. I will help them to not only survive their grief, but learn from it.

I sound awfully sure, don't I? I am. Not cocky... just extremely familiar with grief AND in my ability to help. I've been paying attention.

Are you grieving? How can I help you?

Trials

I made a big realization the other night about myself. I was helping someone, coaching them. And I said to them that they will get to a point where they are thankful for the trials in life, because it will help them to grow.

The realization was that I believe this to my core. I have trials, and I struggle. But I am thankful for them because I have been a witness to the fact that during those times (and immediately after) is when the bulk of growth occurs.

This has been the most difficult year of my life, with so many family deaths. I have grieved so much for them. At the same time, I have become utterly familiar with the stages of grief, making me more able to help others through it.

Every single thing has made me the person I am.

Grief

I have been so sad. When my sister in law died, it was like all 3 deaths of this year were compounded and just came crashing down on me. All of a sudden, it was like dad had just died, and his wife, and now Misty. I tried so hard to just let the feelings flow. I even planned an emotional purge time, after work, so that I could just let the tears flow. That didn't work.

I have such an issue with showing weakness in front of others. And I grew up believing that crying was a sign of weakness. I'm evolving, slowly. And I know that crying is not a sign of weakness, that grieving for loved ones doesn't make you weak.

I've been so proud of my brother, being so open about his heartbreak, about how much he misses his wife. I'm hoping that will help him to heal. He isn't closing himself off to the feelings. He is a broken man, and he is not afraid of looking weak, he is grieving. I will do what I can for him, and at the same time, I am learning from him.

I will talk with his kids soon and put up some information about them. Along with a way for us to help them financially for this upcoming holiday season.

Working through

Last Friday, I read several things about Dad that brought tears to my eyes. My blog posts to him. I heard several stories that brought tears to my eyes. I ached to have him back in my life.

Looking back now, I realize that I was pms-ing on Friday. I was vulnerable and emotional.

Most of the time now, I am not in tears. I am not the same as I was before-- that's been pointed out to me many times... but I'm not crying all the time. That's a good step, yeah? For now, though, I think that if I'm pms'ing, or tired, or emotional, the tears are going to flow and I'm going to miss Dad like mad.

I have other times. Times when I'm taking big steps, or assessing them before leaping. And I want my Dad then. My friends keep telling me I have direct connect, and I try... but it's not clicking for me yet. I will get there.

Yesterday, the treadmill went ok. The bicycle went even better. Still moving forward-- in all areas.

Lessons from Death

I've written posts on the things I've learned from Dad. But today I'd like to share a few things I've learned from Dad's death. During the several days I was in Utah for the funeral, when I was surrounded by extended family, I learned that everyone grieves in different ways. No two ways of grieving are the same and one isn't right over the other. Some cry, some scream, some hit. At the core, they are grieving.

I learned that when I am grieving, I prefer to do it alone or with one person I love. I have always been "the strong one", but I realized with Dad's death that I'm just private. And being private leaves room to seem strong.

I learned that all of my "walking on eggshells" for other people's feelings ends when I'm exhausted from grieving. This one's hard to explain, but suffice it to say there's one family member who was getting treated with kid gloves, sometimes at other's expense. But I no longer have the energy for all that.

I learned that people around me get tired of the sadness and sometimes I just have to put on a happy face. I've also learned that with a dad as wonderful as mine, sometimes that happy face comes on it's own, when remembering his jokes or just his love.

I've learned from talking to others that grieving could take a long while. And I've learned that I will always miss him.