Every Day I Figure Me Out More

Every day I figure more out about myself. I know so many people... who are content, who seem to know everything about themselves (or I should say, they think they do). People who just tread water daily. And I guess that works for them.

But that's not me. Every day I learn more. And the toughest times are when I'm learning about myself. Earlier this week, I made a comment in a group of people, expressing a view, that was not even my own. I said it because in that group that sort of comment was basically expected at that time and no-one else said it. I've been bothered every since.

Finally it hit me. Number one that this particular environment is toxic to me (which I already knew), but that part of my problem is that I purposefully don't read the tragedies of the news. I get my news from select places. I know the basics going on in the world, but I don't know the gruesome details of the drownings, of the fathers who imprisoned their daughters for years and made them bear them children. I don't delve into those heinous acts. However, there are places that I go where I here these details.

This week, I've heard way too much. I've felt the pain, or blocked the pain, and it has sucked my energy out. So, now I'm back to square one. It's not a situation I can just NOT be in. I need to find an alternative... I need to figure out how to not hear. Wow, can you even imagine that I just said that? That I need to not hear? In this case it's true. And now that I've figured this out, I will devise a plan.

New Roles

This week I am working on my attitude. I am a planner, and when plans get screwed, I have difficulties. Now, if I can understand why plans are not adhered to, I'm better. But my plans are getting tweaked for no reason.

So. I am putting my foot down. Stating my intentions, that this is the last time this particular plan will be changed. I will be mindful of the deadline coming up, and I will work towards it.

I remember in psychology, learning about group dynamics. In every group, there are the same roles. The 'knowing one' (or the cool one), the uncool one, the bully, etc. And when one person leaves that group, another member of the group will fill that role. I think that's part of why I've moved into this role. I used to be the complacent one, but that role has been taken. So I have to step up, may possibly have to move all the way into the bully role.

I should write a book from my experiences the past few years. It has been that interesting. And perhaps I will.

This week, I will start packing. I can see many trips to goodwill in my future. I'm just going to keep on swimming as Dory would say...