What 2010 Has taught Me

2010 Started with a bang. I had huge plans and tons of motivation. I had a plan. And I dove right in. I talked to Dad several days a week and he was my biggest cheerleader. I was completely enamoured with photography and with the connection it gave Dad and I. I entered photo contests, and I was constantly out with my camera, getting awesome and different shots. Fast forward to early, early morning on Feb. 13. I received a call from my brother that Dad was non-responsive, but the EMT's were working on him. A hour or so later, he called back. He said "I'm sorry, but he didn't make it." I crashed hard. Part of my world was gone. The next month or so was a blur. His funeral was amazing, such an outpouring of love from the entire community. I don't know if this is just the way it's done in Small Town USA, but people came out of their businesses on main street to see the funeral procession and pay respects. They stood there, solemn, on the sidewalks...

Since that day, I have only been out with my camera maybe 5 times. The connection is not there, though I would like to get it back. I began to bounce back from the loss a bit about 3 weeks after Dad died. I was spending hours on the phone with his wife of 28 years, hearing lots of stories about Dad. His love for Benny Hill, for instance. I was so thankful for that connection, because it was a tie to Dad. Then, 28 days after Dad died, she passed away as well. The doctors said it was from a broken heart. And the connection was lost. My heart spun out of control again, and I was so tender.

I have never been one to cry much. But 2010 has made me more tender. It has also made me connect to people I wouldn't have before. It has made me reach out to those that are hurting. It has taught me more than I ever cared to know about grief.

Oh, one other very important thing happened in the early part of the year. Shortly after Dad's death, a loved family member, but known crazymaker did the unthinkable and waged an attack on his character to me. Love, grief, death and struggles made me fierce. I would not tolerate such an attack and so far it's been unforgivable. So... tender and fierce. Odd combination, huh?

At the end of September, I got the call that my brother's wife had passed away in her sleep. Days before her 32nd birthday, leaving 3 children and my dear brother. Seems we weren't done learning about grief. I see the struggles Tony is going for and my heart breaks. I am thousands of miles away, so all I can do is talk to him, be there for him. I cry often now, thinking of his broken heart. Thinking of his 13 year old daughter who reminds me so much of myself. And I would claw anyone to pieces if they hurt them.

2010 has taught me that life is fleeting. It has taught me that love is worth fighting for. It has taught me that sometimes fierce and tender live in the same body. It has taught me that there is some behavior I simply will not tolerate. It was a rough year, indeed. But the lessons were plentiful.

A Tribute to the Crazymakers

I was thinking yesterday about yin/yang, sunshine and rain. About how one could never appreciate the good without having lived through the bad. And now, I'm going to say something that no-one expects from me. I am thankful for the crazymakers that I've had to endure!

I've had long-term relationships with crazymakers. I've had literally years of suffering through their drama, not seeing a way out. I used to think there was nothing I could do about it if we were related. That's just how it was, they were a crazymaker, I was their (enter relationship), suck it up and deal.

Well, no longer. I've ended those relationships. And I am much happier for it. But the stark contrast of life then and life now is more evident to me because of knowing them. So I am thankful. The world would not be the same without crazymakers.

But since I am thankful and those experiences have helped mold me, will I go back into a relationship with one? No Way! But I will run into them in my life. I will have to deal with them-- at arms length. I will always wish them well and hope they can find some happiness and health in their life, but I will not take the project on.

What surprising thing are you thankful for?

Oh the joy

2009 was a tough year. I've heard it from everyone. 2009 was terrible. People suffered financially, which trickled down into depression, acts of desperation... We all know 2009 was difficult. But we made it. What if it was all necessary, so we could rise like a phoenix out of the ashes?

Potentially, so many good things came out of 2009. If we all learned from our problems, then we are all wiser. We are tougher. But not all people seem to want to be able to better themselves through adversity, so I'll just speak about myself.

I learned how to hold my head up and protect myself when someone is trying to beat me down. I learned that my basic life skills of having systems in place (for shopping, problem solving, cooking, etc.) are good, and they are intact. I learned how to talk to those who are down and out so they know something besides despair... I couldn't change circumstances, I could just change their outlook.

2009 was a year of connecting with friends and family that I had lost touch with. Yesterday, my heart overflowed with joy as the birthday wishes kept pouring in. I've talked with people that I had not talked to in 20 years. The internet helps to make the world a little smaller.

I am thankful for 2009 for being the raging b*tch that she was. I am thankful for all the lessons I learned. I am thankful for human resiliency, and the ability to rise from the ashes after a trial. 2010 is going to be amazing. But 2009, I will remember your tough love fondly.