Calling off the search... for now.

My search for my sister is taking it's toll on me. I have been ill for days, and yesterday I was feeling better until I started talking about my sister. So it finally clicked. I think that if I don't take a break, this will eat me alive.

My search is not over. But for my health, I need to take a short break. At least two weeks. In the meantime I will work on healing through painting, through writing, through meditation, and through family time.

Lynda, if you see this, know that I love you. I welcome you into my life at any time.

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. - Vincent Van Gogh

My fear of success

I was reading a blog the other day... you can find her here: www.lunarmusings.typepad.com I am not even sure how I found her. But I read, and I scrolled down. And one of her posts really grabbed me. It was about how she holds herself back. She gets tied up in the money of it, and it takes away from the creativity.

Well, I am very good at pulling my own truth out of things. And this post reminds me of a journal entry I had written a few years ago. It was all about how I am afraid of success. I have no fear of failure whatsoever... I know how to do that very well. But it's the success that is crippling.

Even the smallest of tasks... cleaning my house, for example, I clean and clean, doing a damn good job. But say 2 steps from completion, I just call it done. I have noticed this in many aspects of my life. I go to write a letter, then I don't mail it... I start a painting and there it sits, waiting for the final touches, or even just the signature.

So... my goal for the next month. From today, July 29 to August 29, I will finish projects. Furthermore... I will not shy away from *starting* projects out of fear of finishing them. Yep, that's my pledge. I will post my progress on this, possibly stating new goals as I go.

Indigo and spirit animals

I was reading my Indigo newsletter the other day and they made a reference to spirit (or totem) animals. To see the traits of an indigo, go to www.metagifted.org

I have had questions lately about the remarkable number of dragonflies in my life, and about the lizard that came out to us in 9 mile canyon in utah. So I went to: www.animaltotem.com

The power of Dragonfly lies in its ability to see around things by looking from different angles. Using its ability to transform colors and lights by reflecting and refracting them, Dragonfly shows us that life, like light, can bend, shift, and adapt in various ways, making life's appearance never be what it appears to be. Dragonfly's magic shows us to see through life's illusions and find our true vision. It calls us to transform within our lives and reminds us to feel deeply so we will have the compassion necessary to help ourselves and others.

And about that lizard:

In myths and lore, Lizard is associated with dreaming. Dreams awaken our unconscious mind and make us aware of issues we haven't been ready to face in our conscious lives. Lizard appears when we need to analyze our present reality and brings the message for immediate change in some area or areas of our life. This change can represent letting go of old ideas or negative behaviors which endanger our growth.

And now I need to meditate on that...

Vacation Exhaustion

We got home at 2:30am Sunday. I took Monday off to get an extra day of rest in, but I am still exhausted. Work is no fun when I am this tired. Going home is no fun when I am so tired... I think I will *try* to get extra rest tonight so I will enjoy life more.

Update on finding my sister

We went through the town where Lynda is supposed to live. We spent 2 hours there, and at one point I was going door to door, knocking and asking if anyone knew her. No-one seemed to know a thing about her. The police were no help at all, in fact, they were rude. I wish I could have seen her. I miss her so much.

The family group that went to the water park

This was the group that went to the water park. It was quite an amazing sight for me to look around and see this many family members in one place having such a good time together!

An amazing trip

I have learned in my adult years to not expect too much. I usually end up being disappointed, and that really blows. However, this trip way exceeded my already high expectations.

I spent part of every day with my dad. He went to a water park with us for the day, and he went to the fairgrounds to watch the boys ride their dirt bikes. He made the most amazing pancakes one morning (I really need to get his recipe!). He looked really good and his lungs sounded clear. Two nights he came over to my brother's house (where I was staying) for dinner.

I met my sister's son and he is quite a wonderful young man. We spent 2 1/2 days with him. I got re-acquainted with my brothers, their wives, and met all of my neices and nephews. The day that we went to the water park we had to take 4 vehicles and there were 19 of us total. It was totally amazing for little miss independant (me) to look around with pride at this huge family group.

There was one personality conflict during our visit, but I did not let that person get to me (well, after the first day in which I felt like a disappointment of a daughter and I cried for two hours). The 2nd and 3rd times this person tried to get to me, it simply did not work. And realistically, it was a person who I could've totally re-bonded with, but I did not need or want the drama.

The night before we left, my sister in law came and got me out of our tent at 3am. Dad had been ambulanced to the hospital. He had been having chest pains. Anyway... he had a stint put in. And today he went home. I've not spoken to him yet because he's resting, but I just talked to my step mom and she said he's doing really well.

I have a lot going on this minute, but I will post more about my trip soon.

My Pilgrimage Home

Tonight we embark on our trip to Utah. It is a pilgrimage home... I am so excited, and nervous... I am not quite sure, but I don't think I've seen my dad for about 10 years. Independent me... not needing anyone, at any time. It is what it is... and it's in the past. I can't regret it. What I can do is move forward. It occurs to me that I am such a stubborn woman. Or child. Both apply.

Now my dad and I have a great relationship, and my trip will be full of opportunities. Chances to deepen my relationship with my dad. And my brothers. And opportunities to meet my neices and nephews. Including my sister, Lynda's son. He is 18 and I have not seen him since he was a toddler. Due to the circumstances surrounding his mother (her drug use, and no contact), I feel like a surrogate in a way. I hope that he and I connect. I hope that I can reach out to him in some way that will enrich both of our lives. I lived the life of not having a mother. And, though I would never try (and I never could) replace her, I'd like to have some role in his life.

Tonight the journey begins. I am so excited!