My Doctor Appointment

New insurance. New doctor. And I told her I'm a bad patient... I don't like going to the doctor... not one bit. I go only when I have to.

So, bad patient.

I only went in to establish with that doctor since it's new insurance and I had to jump through hoops. But I really liked her.

We did some talking and figured out that I've had chronic headaches for at least the last 20 years. Wow, I'm old! So, now I'm on some preventative maintenance for that. And on some stuff for PMS... those around me will be thankful for that!

I left there very hopeful.

New Question and Answer session with Jupiter

Me: How do I know how to fix the current situation?

Jupiter: Be Who You Actually Are

yep... 'nuff said.

So... I posted a promise to finish projects. I also said I'd put up a list of my inspirational bloggers that get me through the day. The links may have to wait a week. But I have been finishing. I'm not so good at putting pics online, so that part is not done. And some of my completed projects can't just be photo'd and put on here. Only the one painting, which will be a gift to my stepsister. I made 2 scrapbooks this weekend, also as gifts.

And this will be another whirlwind week. We're leaving for Utah as soon as I get off work on Thursday. And we'll come back Monday. So... life is busy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about many aspects of my life. And some major changes need to happen. Some, maybe not til after the holidays. But I've done a lot of soul-searching. Many times wondering how I get myself in such odd circumstances, and now having to figure out how to claw my way out. I'll get there. It won't be easy. I think I will need to start journaling again... the Artist's Way always helps me. Recently, I've also withdrawn from my best girlfriend, GG... I need to get back on track with her. One part of my life is wonderful, and for that I'm thankful. Now to figure out how to get that to the center of my life and move all the bad away.

I also recently read 'The Secret' and must start applying that. So many things. Little things really, and I just need to dive in. Dipping my toes in and testing the water is generally not the best route for me. Too much time to think and talk myself out of it. I need to jump. One thing at a time, though...

I know I'm not making sense and I'm sorry... this is as clear as I can be for now.

So much to do

My funk has passed... and I am getting back to where life is magical again. This week will be busy, because for Labor day weekend we'll be visiting my dad again and I have projects that MUST be finished prior to the trip. I will be busy. So... taking my herbs, drinking tea, committed go great self-care... and getting it done.

I must say I've "met" some amazing people online, mostly through blogs. I will update my links soon so I can show all those I gather encouragement from...

The roller coaster

Man I have had a lot of emotional ups and downs lately. And right now I am down. I took my boys back to their dad yesterday and in the past it has always been ok, but this time I am an emotional wreck. I connected with them in ways that I have never done before (as people... real people, not children). After I dropped them off I sobbed and sobbed. I know they cherished our time as much as I did. And I also know they cherish their life with their dad. And he's an excellent dad. So it's not as if I'm sending them to a bad place. It's all good. But I miss them so much.

Added to this, I feel like a fraud. I don't feel the creative juices. I just feel sad. So many challenges out there, the 'be brave' challenge, the 'creative every day' challenge. And I want to embrace them. I really do.

But I know me... and I need to clear the air as it were... I need to take a little time, lick my wounds, get grounded, then be off to a running start.

A link to SARK's kitty, Jupiter

http://www.planetsark.com/studio_ask_jupiter.htm

I need to ponder this

So... I was surfing the internet today. And on SARK's website there was this cute little kitty. You ask it a question, then click on it and it gives you your answer. Like a magic 8 ball. So........ here's what happened:

I asked:
"When will I be able to follow my bliss?" meaning, pursue my writing and art and start living the life I truly want to live...

It responded with:
"QUIT"

Feeling magical-- what a difference!

The PMS has washed away. I feel none of the weight dragging me down now. Apparently I did a pretty good job of hiding my psychoses... but, man, was I crazy in my head!!

Anyway... I feel so good today that it's magical. I feel like I could take on anything and come out on top.

I have been trying to stay so upbeat and so positive... and when the PMS hit me, I got way further down than I needed to because I was beating myself up for not being positive on top of all the hormones.

So... lesson learned. I don't have to be "up" or "on" all the time. Yes, I can do all I can to stay positive and not absorb negativity. I can be around people who are being hateful and not join in. I can understand situations and see the upside of things. But sometimes I may not be completely overjoyed and that is ok.

I will not beat myself up for having emotions. I am sarcastic, I have a very dry sense of humour, and a sharp wit. As long as I'm doing no harm, then all of that is ok. I hope I am listening here... I AM OK.

PMS Sucks

I am normally a pretty rational person, as a general rule I don't give in to mood swings or play the little mind games that are typical of females. However, the last two months, I've had 2 days to a week of PMS... bouts of crying, getting my feelings hurt, needing reassurance, needing attention, even suicidal thoughts. I almost have an out of body experience, where I can see myself acting all crazy, but I just can't control it. This is so not me.

Years ago, I had gone to the doctor and I had told him that I would survive PMS but I wasn't sure that anyone around me would. So, he put me on prozac. It sounds strange, but it worked. I did well on prozac. But I weaned myself off of it after a few years. And now, I must consider the option of going back on it. I don't like that person that is the PMS-Robyn. And people around me don't deserve it. So... even though I hate going to the doctor, I will have to go before next month. egads.

The song I have been starting my day with

I love the song "Affirmations" by Savage Garden. It does a wonderful job of setting the tone for my day. Here are the lyrics:

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Putting a plan into action

I start work at 6:30 am. This week I started getting up at 4 to have my quiet time and to meditate. And, when it all falls into place, the plan works wonderfully. I am way more of a morning person than an evening person, so 4am is all good for me. And not being rushed in the morning is a huge reward in itself. I have found that if I get enough rest and wake up on time... then I can have the time to put my shields up. And generally they stay up for most of my day. Yesterday I felt good once I got home I let my shields down. Still a kind of new practice for me and I'm not very adept at it-- meaning it takes energy to keep the shield up for now. I will get better at it. But for now I am working out the kinks to find everything that works for me. I hope that everyone that reads this receives blessings today.

Almost done

So... it's not quite finished. I used acrylic gel medium on the yin/yang, slathered on thick. Then I added texture and let it dry several days (following a video I saw). The only thing I am not happy with was the use of charcoal, so I will leave that out next time. The rings I wanted to look a little like tie-dye, so I thinned the paint and blew it with a straw. I still need to add black between the colors of the yin/yang, fill in the circles, and clean it up a little around the circle. But Wyanne at www.wyanne.com posted once about happy mistakes. And, so if I look at all I learned from doing this painting, I am happy. I'll update when it's finished.

Updates and new goals.

I started a painting 2 days ago, a Yin/Yang painting for my step sister in Utah. And I am utilizing a new technique, so it will take at least 3 more days to complete. So far, so good though. I am really excited to see how this turns out.

Onto another subject... totally related. I have been thinking alot about how my thoughts affect my day. More specifically about how negativity brings more negativity and positivity manifests more positivity. And either way you go, it snowballs.

This is something I need to work on and be aware of. There are several people in my life (both at home and at work) who are negative. And it affects me. I am always very quick to take on negativity. In fact, a few years ago, I saw a chiropractor. When I am stressed, I tense up my upper back muscles and shoulders. I actually pull my upper ribs out in the process. The chiropractor, after I had seen him for a while, he told me that if I did not learn to manage my stress I would not get better. Actually, he said he was a nightmare and I needed to do something before I kill myself. That sounds bad, but he said it with much kindness.

I am ashamed to say that I still have not learned a good protection against negativity. But, now I am trying. My plan is to get up earlier and get ready for the day. Then I will meditate before leaving the house. Also, I will come up with mantras or affirmations to help me throughout the day. If that doesn't work, I will come up with another plan, but I am not giving up.

I will post pics of my projects as soon as I can! In the meantime, stay positive!