A New Journal... and so tired

I listed this seafoam journal in my etsy shop last night. I love the texture of that leather, it feels like woven fabric. And seafoam green has always been a color I liked.

I have more journals in the works, but working 50 hours a week and all the emotions has made me tired. I've also been sorting through boxes. Boxes that have been moved from home to home. Most of it is stuff that I don't need, or that can be consolidated down into just a few boxes.

I hope that your week is going well. How do you deal with exhaustion?

Trying to not run from emotions

I can count the number of times that I've cried i my life (since my mom died when I was 14), I mean really cried, on one hand. Maybe one and a half. To say that I had walled off my emotions was an understatement. I am the tough one. The clinical one, the one to take care of business. I couldn't get everyone taken care of and all the "business" of everything done if I spent my time crying.

And now, at 38, well, almost 39, there's been a shift. Tears flow every time I talk to my brother. I don't hide them, they just come, and I talk to him through them. I feel so much pain for him. I'm trying to figure out how this emotion fits into my life though. It's so foreign. I'll get there.

My brother has had some help from his kids' school. They have connections at a bank there and they know of a home loan with a very low interest rate for single parents. He is working on pursuing that, as he really needs to get out of where they are living now... out of the home his wife died in.

I'm searching my soul. Trying to figure out if I am meant to help him to get a down payment on this new home, or Christmas for the kids. I could use all the input out there on this one...

Tenderhearted

Yesterday, I felt weepy throughout the day. It was a reaction to stress. On the way home, I heard a heartwarming story on the radio, and the tears flowed. In the morning, I read about a group that posts 'love bombs' in the comments on blogs and felt like crying. So much love in this world. So much that a lot of people are unaware of.

Anyway... last week I was weepy, and I blamed it on PMS. I can't blame it on that this week. I'm wondering if this is just what is for me. I've evolved into a weepy, tenderhearted girl? That doesn't bode well for my job. I work around truck drivers and I have to be tough.

I've found myself over compensating at work, by acting much tougher. I need to find the space for the tenderness to be. I need to figure out how to assimilate it into my life. I am really struggling with it. I've always been the stoic one. But Dad's death changed me. And that's ok. I can be tender now, I won't fight it. But I do need to figure out how to fit it in. Why do we always make things so tough on ourselves?

Somedays...

Some days I have no idea where I'm going. I'm moving forward, at least baby steps every day. But some days the progress I make is infinitessimal. Some days I'm just an observer it seems. I watch. I plan. And I barely move forward, except maybe in the planning.

Some days I grow by leaps and bounds. I move forward at the speed of light. I jump from one stone to another, crossing the river. I am not slowed by anything in my path.

Lately I've had more slow progress days. I've been bogged down with emotional issues. Worrying about my kids. Even worrying about my ex. Today is the day to shake that off. They will all be fine. Things will work out. And today I will shift my focus back on me.

Today is the day for some leaps and bounds. Today I will mail all my etsy packages. Today I will write some in my novel. Today I will meditate. Today I will fill my well.

What will you do today?

Oh the Emotions of it All

My youngest son took this photo. I think that, like his oldest brother, he has quite the eye. He uses my camera now, asking for it when he sees something, but I'm sure he'll be getting a camera for his birthday and I can't wait to see what he comes up with then!

I have had a bit of a roller coaster week. I've started receiving orders for my art journals for Connie's class. That has been thrilling! At the same time though, I've been dealing with PMS. PMS, teamed with being tired, has made me relive many things. The phone call when my brother told me Dad didn't make it, the phone call about my stepmom. The calls from my sons asking me if I was ok, my youngest son being the great protector at the funeral and looking out for me. It all came washing back.

I have, in so many ways, worked through all the grief. But like I said, the combinations of tiredness and emotions... I'll try to prepare a little better before next month.

The exercise routine continues. Alternating days between the treadmill or stairstepper and grueling exercise videos. And I feel great as a result! It's too soon to see results, but I swear I *feel* stronger. Even if that's all in my head, it's still empowering! Tonight is an exercise video, along with cleaning before a big weekend.

What is empowering you today?