So This is the Deal

My life is absolutely amazing right now. I have everything I could need. There is so much love in it. And opportunities are coming to me... like I'm innertubing in a stream of opportunity, and they are moseying all around me, for me to grab at will. And I'm grabbing, believe me!

I've gotten comfortable with 'leap of faith' mode and trust it completely. I can absolutely see the yellow brick road and all the goodness before me and I know I'm on the right track.

But life just can't be that easy. Perhaps it has to have some roadblocks so that we can appreciate all the good. My roadblock right now is guilt. It's coming at me full force, and instead of batting it away, instead of ignoring it, I'm at a space where I want to deal with it.

I am a mother of 3 amazing teenage sons. Their father and I have been divorced for 8 years or so. He and I have an amazing relationship, and we never argue or bicker about anything, least of all the boys. But between that marriage and now, I had a bad marriage. One where that husband was completely self centered and even complained when the boys would "eat all the food". I stayed for reasons that made a little sense at the time, and now that that is over, life is so amazing and drama free. We have absolutely everything we could need. We enjoy each other's company and have wonderful times.

Yet the guilt of that relationship. Of that unhappy time for my boys (and even that wasn't all that bad, we always had one another and had fun)... it's surfacing. And I'm ready to deal with it. The only trick I know right now to deal with this is self-love. But how is the best way to deal with guilt and regret? How do you deal when you are the only one not forgiving yourself?

Ponderings

I've gotten an amazing response from my first round table discussion! The next one will be coming tomorrow. And if you'd like to be part of a future one, please let me know!

I remember that as a teenager, I was very meek and mild, for the most part. Then in my first marriage, I wanted to be superwife and supermom. So, for the first half at least, I bent over backwards to try to please my husband, but I fought like a bear for my kids sake at the same time. Yin and Yang perhaps. When I met my current husband, the boys were all in school, my delusions of marriage were shattered. I was damaged. And, quite honestly, he used that.

I don't even know that it was intentional, but it's true. He came to me disguised as a wounded bird and I set out to fix him. Before I knew it we were married, though my psyche never accepted it (never once remembered our anniversary on the date). We floated through on a co-dependant cloud. I would often question 'how did I get here?'. I wonder if he did as well.

And now, at the very end, he shoves, then he pulls. I keep my arms out so he has to keep his distance (all metaphorically, of course). It's just like a crazymaker with your inner artist. They see you growing, moving on your own, they need to attack in some way to break you a little to bring you crawling back.

I'm done, and I've moved on. And now that I can see clearly, I hope to be more aware in any future relationships.