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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So This is the Deal


My life is absolutely amazing right now. I have everything I could need. There is so much love in it. And opportunities are coming to me... like I'm innertubing in a stream of opportunity, and they are moseying all around me, for me to grab at will. And I'm grabbing, believe me!

I've gotten comfortable with 'leap of faith' mode and trust it completely. I can absolutely see the yellow brick road and all the goodness before me and I know I'm on the right track.

But life just can't be that easy. Perhaps it has to have some roadblocks so that we can appreciate all the good. My roadblock right now is guilt. It's coming at me full force, and instead of batting it away, instead of ignoring it, I'm at a space where I want to deal with it.

I am a mother of 3 amazing teenage sons. Their father and I have been divorced for 8 years or so. He and I have an amazing relationship, and we never argue or bicker about anything, least of all the boys. But between that marriage and now, I had a bad marriage. One where that husband was completely self centered and even complained when the boys would "eat all the food". I stayed for reasons that made a little sense at the time, and now that that is over, life is so amazing and drama free. We have absolutely everything we could need. We enjoy each other's company and have wonderful times.

Yet the guilt of that relationship. Of that unhappy time for my boys (and even that wasn't all that bad, we always had one another and had fun)... it's surfacing. And I'm ready to deal with it. The only trick I know right now to deal with this is self-love. But how is the best way to deal with guilt and regret? How do you deal when you are the only one not forgiving yourself?

3 comments:

TheHappySoul said...

((((((((((SIS))))))))) Forgiving yourself if one of the hardest things to do ever. Been there, and it took me over a year to realize that the person I thought I wronged would want me to forgive myself. It might be easier for you because you can ask the forgiveness of your boys. Sit and talk with them and tell them everything. Let them know how you feel, and let them know you want their forgiveness. After they forgive you, it will be alot easier for you to forgive yourself.

*hugs*

ardee said...

oh boy, do I know where you're coming from...and all I can say is, "it's ok", let the guilt surface and bubble and boil away, cuz it will. I felt so guilty when I found the man of my dreams after 40 years including 10 years of being with a man that I couldn't picture spending 5 more minutes with. My "soul mate" walked into my life, took my hand and said, "I think I can make you smile again". And he did, but my God the guilt I felt for loving him so fast was overwhelming but still I went for it. My boys? They suffered big time, I was breaking up their home and shaking their very foundation! But I still went for it and now all they have is respect for me and the decisions I made. They see what I left and what I now have instead....myself. That could only be better for them and now they realize it.

So..let the guilt happen, you will overcome it, then forgive yourself! If I could, anyone can!

DancingMooney ♥ said...

I agree with ardee, Robyn! ♥ Sometimes you just 'know' what's right for you, and it's not always the easy choice, but you just know sometimes, when it's the best thing to do. It's perfectly healthy to have feelings of guilt for stirring up the pot, and it's good that you want to deal with those feelings and get past them. Just let it happen naturally. All things get easier with time.

I was first married when I was 25, and about 6 months later found myself in love with another man. an older man. a married man.

It took time for me to digest how I was feeling, and to make the realization that the life I was living was terribly wrong for me. Years later though, I'm now married to that man I accidentally fell in love with, and we both couldn't be happier.

Give yourself time hun. All things in life, don't come easy.

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