The Inner Goddess

One of the definitions of "goddess" is 'a woman of great beauty and grace'. I didn't really think about this definition when I made choices for a Halloween costume. And the pic above shows me... in full costume. Fake hair, quite a bit of help with a more enhanced bustline. Lots of makeup. That is what Halloween's all about, isn't it?

But it made me think. We are all Goddesses in our own right. This week, in addition to my quest for a more authentic existence, I'll be seeking ways to bring out my inner goddess.

What does Goddess mean to you? How will you draw her out?

Hitting a Wall

I am tired, sick, feeling spread too thin. No... what I really am is disappointed. I had a deadline to meet where I was relying on others... each had one small piece of the puzzle. And that fell apart. Had it all fallen into place, what I would be feeling right now is elation, not exhaustion. Funny how we are so wired into things happening around us, isn't it?

I've had an angel on my shoulder for this journey I'm on and today I will continue to be thankful for her. The rest? For the rest, I'll put on my big girl panties and continue to forge onward.

My mantra for today is that I know I'm on the right path... and things will work out. If not this moment, then I'll keep working, always keep working.

I haven't Arrived

I have not arrived. Please don't put a mint on my pillow or turn down my bedding... I'm not ready for that. But I have checked for flights, and I do have a better idea of the direction I should be heading.

I am getting closer to my true north. Closer to buying the ticket and settling on my destination.

I am getting there. I will share so much more with you soon!

My New Intention

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks. Honestly, a lot of it is due to my Artist Empowerment Class. The connections made are so amazing. The atmosphere is contagious, the growth is too. And it hit me today. I have not been living an authentic life.

I thought that when this new life started in March, and I moved out of the home that I lived with my husband in, that it would be authentic. However, I'm still working at the same job, still associated with the same type of people.

My residence changed. It is now time for some other areas of my life to change.

Much of me is resistant. I have a healthy relationship with the "Yeah, but..."

I have a feeling that I will be fighting with myself for the weeks to come... hopefully with some amazing results. I will keep you posted as much as I can.

Some will have to remain private for a time. Other parts of it will be easy and amazing to share.

Thank you for joining me in this struggle.

One Leg of my Journey

I have decided to try blogging in the evenings again. A close out of the day. And today was quite refreshing, I must tell you. Things weren't as busy at work, I didn't feel so frazzled. I got off work on time. I had time when I got home to get some chores done and I had the energy to do them. It was quite amazing.

Tomorrow morning (today, as you'll be reading this), I have a roast in the crock pot and it will be ready by the time I get off work. After eating, I will begin prep for the next day's dinner.

I also need to fit some time in for writing this week, my class chat is Thursday, and I have journals to make. Life isn't likely to slow down any time soon. I think the answer is for me to make small changes until I find what's right for me.

I know this journey is not done. I absolutely will find a way to fit all that I need into my life. In the process, I believe I'll be discarding some things that I don't.

What journey are you on?

My Calling

I've been exposed to some people online... some people that I *love* and it seems to me that everything they touch turns to gold. They amaze me, along with so many others. People flock to their classes. They swarm to buy their products. I could be very jealous. Instead, I am in awe of them.

I do deal with jealousy, don't get me wrong. I also deal with my feelings of inadequacy. My feelings of being quite inferior.

But it hit me today. Just like a cast iron skillet. It wacked me right in the head, it did. I do affect people's lives. My reach may not be huge. But I've had students in my Artist Empowerment Class. I have helped them. I have changed lives. I have helped them to believe in themselves. That, my friend, is powerful stuff!

I will carry on. And help a small group at a time. Maybe that... THAT is what I'm here for.

Challenges

I have to tell you that what makes my Artist Empowerment Classes amazing is the participants! So many amazing, lovely souls. We've been focusing a lot on fears and how they relate to our creativity. And this week was about granting ourself permission. The chat last night left us each with some challenges. I challenged them individually, and two of them challenged me. They granted me permission to write for 3 one hour blocks over the next week. With my ultra intense work schedule right now, that seems really daunting. But I'm going to do it! We are all working so hard to spread our wings and break down our barriers. There were other challenges issued to me, but I'd like to keep those secret for now.

So... for all of you not in my class, how can you spread your wings in the coming week? Do something that scares you. Do something that when you think about it your inner self says "nooooo..." or "but..." Just do it. Push yourself, and let me know how it goes!

Slow and Steady

I'm finding out more and more that if I do small steps whenever I can on a project, that's still forward movement. What I mean is... I often don't have large chunks of uninterrupted time. So, I make slow and steady progress towards my goals.

I do, still try to carve out large chunks of time, but it's so rare these days. Work has gotten so busy and so exhausting that many things have fallen by the wayside. Like my novel. I've been needing to get back to it. And photography. I've been feeling called back. Soon...

And for now, I'll do the small steps because it's still forward progress. I hope to be listing new journals soon, as I have 3-4 partially completed.

How do you cope with a lack of time?

Motivation

I've been receiving a lot of motivation lately. Pushes forward, reasons to not look back. I feel like I'm working towards a better life, a better existence.

The above photo can be found in my shop with a motivational quote on it here.

I am in the thick of things... and my mind is going a mile a minute... as it calms, I will let you in.

Wrapping my Mind around Things

Good morning! I listed (and relisted) some photos in my Etsy shop yesterday, including this spinning wheel photo! Also, please check out my SALE!!!

I had a really nice weekend with an old friend. We had a great time. We took him to see Multnomah Falls, The Portland Saturday Market, and Powell's. Sunday we went shooting, and throughout the weekend we played lots of wii. I had to wrap my mind around the visit so many times. We had each grown, so much... and we were so not the same. This was my first love, my boyfriend for years, my confidante... and yes, I'm still trying to grasp the changes. None bad, per se... but we have grown so differently.

Anyway, I hope we can all make this the best Monday that we can!

I NEED Your Help

My brother Tony, as I've shared on here is all of a sudden a single dad. His children are without a mother. Misty passed away unexpectedly at the end of September. She was 31. Tony is hurting in ways he never had imagined. The full extent of the pain has not hit any of them yet.

The children: Marissa, 13. Austin, 12. Vanessa, 10.

This year has been amazingly hard on this family. In February, our dad died, their grandfather. In March, his wife died, their grandmother. And now they've lost their mother.

I am writing this to plea for help. I want to do something for my brother's family, but I can't do it all alone. Let's give these children a good Christmas, despite all their pain. Let's reach out to this family and show them that there is an entire group of people who care about them.

Please help me. The donate button is on the top right column.

Authenticity

There are precious few times in my current life when I feel authentic. I'm moving towards that sweet spot of authenticity, but I'm not totally there yet. However, one of the times when I am is when I'm teaching my Artist Empowerment Class. The weekly class chats are absolutely magical.

Last night was this weeks chat, and I can't even begin to tell you about the amazing connections. There were 4 of us there, and there was so much love and compassion, and everyone was pitching in, helping the others. We were talking about fear, and each of us was so open about our fears, about what holds us back. It was amazing to see that. The chats are always magical.

I'm moving towards authenticity. When this class is over, I won't be offering another (I don't think) until after the new year, and that will be a sequel, for returning students from both classes so far. I've been toying with another Artist Empowerment Class squeezed in there prior to that, but I'm not sure. With the holidays and all... I've also thought about a pdf version of the class... a work at your own pace. But then the magic of the chats, where would that go?

So many things bouncing around in my head. On my path to authenticity... what's on your mind? Are you on the same path? What struggles do you have?

Busy Busy Busy

I have an extremely busy weekend ahead of me. Packing up and mailing orders, hopefully making more journals. But most importantly, cleaning the house to get ready for an old friend to visit the following week. Oh, and grocery shopping. And a birthday party for a two year old. And target practice. I'm tired already!

I slept so well last night. Finally! Haven't slept well in a week. All I need to do now is get through today and tomorrow at work. Work has been pure hell this week. But I can do it.

I took the picture above while visiting my Dad in Utah. It's one of my favorite photos. I went out with my sister in law and we found this amazing tree... I must say, I really love trees. Soon I should take my camera out again...

Grief

I have been so sad. When my sister in law died, it was like all 3 deaths of this year were compounded and just came crashing down on me. All of a sudden, it was like dad had just died, and his wife, and now Misty. I tried so hard to just let the feelings flow. I even planned an emotional purge time, after work, so that I could just let the tears flow. That didn't work.

I have such an issue with showing weakness in front of others. And I grew up believing that crying was a sign of weakness. I'm evolving, slowly. And I know that crying is not a sign of weakness, that grieving for loved ones doesn't make you weak.

I've been so proud of my brother, being so open about his heartbreak, about how much he misses his wife. I'm hoping that will help him to heal. He isn't closing himself off to the feelings. He is a broken man, and he is not afraid of looking weak, he is grieving. I will do what I can for him, and at the same time, I am learning from him.

I will talk with his kids soon and put up some information about them. Along with a way for us to help them financially for this upcoming holiday season.

A New Journal... and so tired

I listed this seafoam journal in my etsy shop last night. I love the texture of that leather, it feels like woven fabric. And seafoam green has always been a color I liked.

I have more journals in the works, but working 50 hours a week and all the emotions has made me tired. I've also been sorting through boxes. Boxes that have been moved from home to home. Most of it is stuff that I don't need, or that can be consolidated down into just a few boxes.

I hope that your week is going well. How do you deal with exhaustion?

Trying to not run from emotions

I can count the number of times that I've cried i my life (since my mom died when I was 14), I mean really cried, on one hand. Maybe one and a half. To say that I had walled off my emotions was an understatement. I am the tough one. The clinical one, the one to take care of business. I couldn't get everyone taken care of and all the "business" of everything done if I spent my time crying.

And now, at 38, well, almost 39, there's been a shift. Tears flow every time I talk to my brother. I don't hide them, they just come, and I talk to him through them. I feel so much pain for him. I'm trying to figure out how this emotion fits into my life though. It's so foreign. I'll get there.

My brother has had some help from his kids' school. They have connections at a bank there and they know of a home loan with a very low interest rate for single parents. He is working on pursuing that, as he really needs to get out of where they are living now... out of the home his wife died in.

I'm searching my soul. Trying to figure out if I am meant to help him to get a down payment on this new home, or Christmas for the kids. I could use all the input out there on this one...

Marissa

I called my niece Marissa last night. She is 13 and the day before, she picked her mom's casket. Just as I had done at 14. I can so relate to that girl, and I really wanted to make a connection. But I forgot. I forgot who I was at that age. I forgot that we are the same. I asked her how she was "well, I'm doing a lot better than Dad is." I knew that because I had talked to my dear brother, yesterday was his worst day yet. It hit him and it hit him hard. But back to Marissa. I was talking to her, explaining how I could relate to everything she was going through. And she was unreachable. She was in that same place I was at that point. She is the strong one, and she is watching out for everyone else.

"You want to talk to my dad?" she asked at one point. "No, I will talk to him in awhile, I called to talk to YOU," I told her.

Soon I will put some information up about each of the kids. Their dreams, their likes, general stuff about them. And together we will decide what to do for them for Christmas. I am being led to do this, and several people would like to help, so I will set up a dedicated paypal and will post several follow ups.

Nothing can take away this families pain. But we can help make Christmas more bearable. Their first without their mother (my brother's first without his wife), and also their first without their grandfather and grandmother.