Thankful

I am doing much better today. I don't think the struggle is quite over, but I didn't have nightmares last night, so I'm claiming that as a victory!

And tonight is a tribe chat... re-filling my well in so many ways. I've known that this struggle was temporary, but when you are in the thick of it, that is hard to remember. Luckily, I have some amazing people in my life to remind me.

Today I'm thankful for a break in the war. I'm thankful for my tribe, my family, my ability to keep my head above water, with and without life supports.

What are you thankful for?

Slipping

I am almost all the way off my headache meds... and I feel like I'm slipping into an abyss. I will make it through to the other side, but right now, I'm exhausted... have been waking up screaming or crying the past two nights...

None of this is like me, and I have to step back from the situation to see that it's just the medication. I have to buckle my seatbelt for the rest of the ride. I know that I will be ok, but right now I'm tired. So very tired.

What I do know is that this will be all over in a week or so... and I can start to feel normal again. Then there will be no more night terrors. No more feeling like I don't belong in this skin, this life. No more chemicals in my system screwing with me.

I'm so thankful for my tribe... for all the support I've been given... I'll make it through this... I just have to ride it out.

Fighting a Battle

I have had chronic headaches for 17 years. In that 17 years, I've maybe had a month of days without a headache. So, 3 years ago, I was put on a med to help me to not have them. After rounds of tests, and finding no reason, yes, I've had my head examined :-). The med never got rid of them, and I've quit it cold turkey several times, spinning me into a dark abyss. So I would go back on it.

I am in the process of weaning off of the med, now, slowly. And there is a view of the dark abyss, but I am staying out of there, moving slowly around the edge of it to pass it.

So... if I seem a little 'off' or maybe short, or cranky, that is why. I'm fighting a battle. But I'm doing it the smart way and I'll move past it. And soon, the real me will be back.

Back to Self Care

I learned yesterday (again!) what an amazing support group I had. I discovered why I was being my own crazymaker... I had done a self-adjustment of the one med I take. Must've thought I was a doctor or something. But that adjustment was BAD. I hit the lowest of lows yesterday and was ready to cut off all ties with those closest to be just so they didn't need to suffer through my moods.

But like I said, I have an amazing support group. I have wonderful people in my life, and together, I think we can kinda do anything!

Looking back on yesterday... I don't think I gave much at all. I took and I took. I don't feel like my well has been filled because I didn't help anyone. Today I will make sure to give the advice when it's asked of me. I will respond to pleas. And I will continue to take my meds, and will now take a B-Complex a couple times a day till I completely bounce back.

Part of our journey, whatever our particular path may be, is to take good care of ourselves so that we have much to give. Sometimes I struggle with that. I don't get enough sleep, I make bad medication choices. I am now re-committing to getting back on that self-care path.

What self-care have you faltered with? How can I help?

Figuring it all out

I've spent days and days now being completely exhausted. Exhaustion is not fun, but I can handle that. A couple of days ago, I started feeling like I hit a brick wall. I was on the verge of tears pretty constantly, and I just felt like jumping off a bridge. Not literally. That's what was strange. Part of me felt like all that, the other part was still analyzing and trying to figure out what was going on. I knew something just was not right.

Within the last year, I went on a medication for chronic headaches. The doctor and I had figured out that I've had daily headaches for at least the past 15 years. So... I went on this med, I took the pills every night, and the headaches went away after the first two weeks. Eight months or so later, a couple of weeks ago, I ran out of them on a Friday and forgot to pick up my refill. My pharmacy is closed on the weekends.

So... by Monday I realized that my headaches were not back, even though I had stopped taking my headache pills. So I decided to not pick up the refill. Yep, I took myself off of it. And, though I was using it for chronic pain, it's original intended purpose was for depression. So this week, it's all out of my system and I hit a brick wall.

As long as I know the answer, I'm ok... I went to the pharmacy, refilled it, and began taking it again last night. I should have it fully in my system by Monday. In the meantime, I have an understanding of why I feel weepy. And people around me understand, so it's alright.

The picture I chose for today is one taken by dad. His photos always remind me to look for the beauty in life. I'll be back on track here real soon, and I hope to take some gorgeous pictures this weekend!