On Hiatus

As you all know, my Dad passed away on February 13, 2010. His wife of 28 years passed away last night, quite unexpectedly. I am reeling, as is the rest of the family, and I am at a total loss on how to cope.

I will read all comments, but I am taking a break from blogging until I can... well, until I can go forward again.

Ahhhhhhh....

I will post pictures of my new home soon. I spent yesterday evening hanging art on the walls. The most astounding thing to me is now, home doesn't include anger, mind games, power plays. Home is peaceful. Home is fun. Home is somewhere that I really want to be.

I am still in the process of simplifying. We are about 75% unpacked, and if I find that we don't have a home for something, then it's going to Goodwill. I have one box so far, but there will be more. I do not want clutter in my home. I want clean, simple.

So far, the cat's behaving so she can stay :-). I have missed blogging, and missed my morning routine, but even that will become custom tailored to the new life. I may switch to blogging very late in the evening. Who knows. What I do know is that I will continue to blog. Blogging, to me, is a must.

Next week we will have our first dinner party. And we're getting our couch. Life is good, and everything falls into place. Ahhhhmazing.

My Mind...

Today I am tired. This week has been jam packed. And it's Friday, that's a good thing, but the entire weekend will be spent moving. When we were in Utah, a bunch of Dad's photos were put on my laptop. I have not been able to go through them yet, I plan to fully take my time.

I don't think I've shared on here before... I keep thinking of putting my Dad's photos into a book, and have it printed at least for all of his children and his wife. The title I always think of? Through My Father's Eyes. I had thought of this prior to his death, and had planned to send him a copy. But now the title haunts me because Dad was a cornea donor. I wonder if the recipient is now taking photos... I wonder how much Dad's gift changed his/her life... And I wonder if they wonder whose corneas they have... what stories they may hold.

My mind never stops. The other night my mind seemed to be spinning out of control, and all of a sudden, it's like a wall was lifted and I found out my Dad had died. I started having a panic attack. I had to breathe deep for awhile, then meditated to clear my mind. Such things suprise me.

The above photo is one of Dad's. One that he had sent me last year. As I sort through his pictures, you know I will share.

Grief rolls in

I don't know if it's happening just because it's time. Or if I'm feeling this way because of exhaustion, but the grief is trying to crash down on me. Yesterday, my co-worker got an email showing a bunch of bald eagles. I had to choke back tears.

On Dad's road there is a golden eagle and a bald eagle who nest in a tree. Dad loved to photo and watch those birds. I meant to take my son down there to take pictures when we were there for the funeral. But we didn't.

What I know is that I don't have time for debilitating grief right now. We're almost done moving, but the entire weekend will be spent moving his stuff to his apartment. I absolutely must be functioning for at least 4 more days. So, what I'm doing so far is fighting it off... sometimes I gain on it, sometimes it kicks my butt.

I welcome any advice. How do I cope, and is there actually any way to hold this back?

Filled with Love

I have the most amazing group of friends! I am overflowing with their love. I'm in the middle of a move, of a divorce, and adjusting to my Dad's passing... yet I am overflowing with love.

I had been talking to my Etsy friends the other day, browsing around Etsy at the same time, and dreaming of decorating my new apartment. I put up several links to different paintings, prints, etc. Then we all commented on each one and I went back to my favorite... a painting with the asian symbol of "acceptance" on it. It was perfect for me, so I made the promise that as soon as I could afford it that it would decorate my new home.

That very painting arrived in my mailbox yesterday. Attached with a card that said "Life is Nothing without friendship"-Cicero. And on the inside it said "To new beginnings" and was signed by a long list of my friends.

My etsy friends... all the ones whose name was on the card, and so many more, have given me love and support every step of the way. When I was in Utah for my Dad's funeral, I checked in with them at least once a day and they let everyone else know how I was. I received so many emails and felt such an outpouring of love. My heart was breaking, and all of these people were helping hold me up.

I was drawn to the painting because my dad was so accepting. Of so many different types of people. It was one of his best qualities, and you could tell by the amazing tribute to him at his funeral. I want to be as accepting as Dad. This will be a daily reminder.

Pics to come soon, after I decorate.

Renewal

I sold the very last journal out of my shop yesterday. Today, all of my boxes of crafting supplies are getting moved to the new apartment. Yesterday I smudged the new apartment, but I will smudge again after everything is moved in. Above is the new bed and bedding!

I feel, in every sense of the word, that life can start fresh. That the slate is clean, life is good, and it'll be what I make of it. I will unpack mindfully, and I am sure that I will donate a lot of my "stuff" to Goodwill after I organize everything. I will make things clean, nice, and uncluttered. I will create a sanctuary, and honour my new space.

My shop will be seeing some changes as well. I've ordered some new supplies for new products. I'll be toying with a leather bound journal idea. Journals will make their way back into my shop, both the kind I've always made (with some new twists), and eventually leather bound, and possibly different bindings.

I do hope you'll stick around and see what comes of all this! After I'm all settled, I will post pics of my new space!

Lessons from Death

I've written posts on the things I've learned from Dad. But today I'd like to share a few things I've learned from Dad's death. During the several days I was in Utah for the funeral, when I was surrounded by extended family, I learned that everyone grieves in different ways. No two ways of grieving are the same and one isn't right over the other. Some cry, some scream, some hit. At the core, they are grieving.

I learned that when I am grieving, I prefer to do it alone or with one person I love. I have always been "the strong one", but I realized with Dad's death that I'm just private. And being private leaves room to seem strong.

I learned that all of my "walking on eggshells" for other people's feelings ends when I'm exhausted from grieving. This one's hard to explain, but suffice it to say there's one family member who was getting treated with kid gloves, sometimes at other's expense. But I no longer have the energy for all that.

I learned that people around me get tired of the sadness and sometimes I just have to put on a happy face. I've also learned that with a dad as wonderful as mine, sometimes that happy face comes on it's own, when remembering his jokes or just his love.

I've learned from talking to others that grieving could take a long while. And I've learned that I will always miss him.