"We are never given a dream without the power to make it true" R. Bach
I love pictures of paths... of stairways... I love the possibility it symbolizes. My favorite poem is "The Road Not Taken" by Frost. Last year for Mother's Day, my oldest son memorized it and recited it to me. I was so touched... number one that he remembered which poem was my favorite, but also that he worked so hard to commit it to memory, then he practiced to make sure he could recite it correctly. It made my heart swell with such love and pride. Being a mother to 3 boys is not easy. Being a divorced mother is even more difficult. But one of my dreams has always been to be a good mother. I've fought to make that happen. Sometimes, I am absolutely certain, they hated me. But I've been a good mother. The power was within.
Sometimes...we have dreams, and we get discouraged. We automatically think 'oh well, it wasn't meant to be'. But if those dreams occur and re-occur... don't ya think it's time to listen? A couple of years ago, I began painting. I painted all the time. It was my therapy, and I loved it. I even loved some of the paintings I created. After a time, I began contacting galleries, showing my work, trying to get accepted. I ran into roadblock after roadblock. I kept painting though. Then we moved, and space didn't allow me to paint as easily... and it tapered off.
I began to focus more on family, and blogging, and photography. I am taking pictures now that I had never really dreamed of doing before. I have found ways of getting my work out there, and it feels amazing. I take pictures every day. I tried to paint the other day. My painting turned out exactly as I had envisioned it. But my heart wasn't in it. It didn't feel like the right path anymore. But that path brought me to where I am now. Therefore... totally necessary for my growth.
The way I feel about photography, and more specifically, the photos that I create... it's an all encompassing passion. I strive to be better, but am consistently amazed by the work I am producing. I'm currently taking a class, and considering submitting some work to some contests and galleries. I'm also trudging through learning adobe photoshop-- by far, my least enjoyable process. I have my dream... and though it's been revised a million times in this life, the concept has remained the same. And I have the power to make it come true. So do you.
I thought the bark on this tree was so beautiful. I took several pictures of it, getting closer and closer. And each time it was more beautiful to me.
I have admired people from afar... then gotten to know them... and the closer I got, well, oftentimes they were way less beautiful up close. And I'm not talking about little idiosyncrasies... I can always celebrate differences. I'm talking about the ugliness that people sometimes hide from the general public.
I'm rambling here... and I'm being unclear. I try so hard to lead an authentic life. I want there to be layers to me, definitely. But I want to be the same around each person I meet. I don't want to be fake, or pretend to be a certain way around certain people.
There will always be things about me that not everyone knows. People at work have no business knowing about certain aspects of my life. But those who are actually close to me... as a general rule, they know the most. But the point is that I ACT the same no matter who I am around.
I admire that in others... I admire that about myself. I am on this path to be more authentic... perhaps opening up boxes that I had closed off even to myself. And each box I discover will be marked to keep or discard. And I will be taking mental snapshots of all the beauty as I go.
Today I did things a little differently... I checked for my friends' blog updates before I began posting. I never do it in that order... but I went to Connie's blog at www.dirtyfootprints.blogspot.com and I read her wisdom first.
Wow. That's what I can say about her insight today. She wrote about fear. And she always writes in such a way that it delves down to my soul. What is holding me back? What am I fearful of? I once told an old friend that I am afraid of success. That I know how to fail, but success scares me. He said that was a trite statement and sounded like some mumbo-jumbo that you'd hear on Oprah. Tact. :-) So... what am I afraid of?
I am somewhat afraid of letting people in. I've created a wall, a barricade... and I have had people abuse the fact that I've exposed my soul to them before. So... I am tough and I don't need anyone. But where is THAT particular fear getting me? Nowhere!
I am afraid to look at my check each week. Afraid that I didn't contribute enough, but I work around 50 hours a week. That's a totally ridiculous fear. They both are so far. Yes, I said it, fear you are ridiculous!
I am putting myself out there on Etsy, and in the past, I've had fear about my work being accepted. So happy to report now that I do NOT have that particular fear. One difference being that I had researched possible venues for my work and Etsy seems to be a very nurturing community. One where people are accepting, encouraging, even loving. And one that I will fit into.
I am afraid about the economy... but all that matters is my little corner of the world. And truthfully, I have felt riches beyond my greatest imaginings lately. So, no stress about what's going on out there.
I feel fear about buying a house, but wait... that fear is put on me... it's not my own. My mind is telling me 'we always have everything we need'... and if there's a house in my near future, then it will be.
I will meditate more on this as time goes on... and try to get to the bottom of all of my fear. I do not want it... I need to exorcise it.
The funny thing about fear is that once each issue is dealt with, fear moves out... and our little friend called 'peace' moves right in!
Starting today, my family is attempting a one week TV deprivation. Now... I'm not a big TV watcher, but other members of my family are. The TV is on every awake moment. And, even though I do not generally watch it, I think it leads to a more nervous energy within me.
So, yesterday, on the way to the motocross track, I was reading some of the highlights of my manifesting e-book aloud, and it discusses attention suckers. And something clicked. Most likely the clicking was within me only but they all agreed to a trial period of one week for the TV to stay off. I did, however, have to make one concession: scary movies can still be watched on Halloween (a family tradition).
So, we laid out some rules. Internet could be used minimally. And the TV can only be on for yoga videos. Music can be on, but not music videos. Yeah, we really did have to go that far :-). My husband is already discussing all that he can accomplish without the TV on, so this should work out to be a very nice week.
I will be on my laptop a bit, tweaking photos and learning adobe photoshop. I would like to put some of my prints on Etsy. I will still be updating my blog in the mornings, as has become my routine, and I will check email and Etsy daily.
So... to new challenges. I am completely at ease with this one. However, I don't think anyone else in the home is. I am excited to see what each of us gets out of this.
I am so thankful that it is Friday. Tomorrow will include sleeping in and taking my children to Powells. Sunday I will watch them race their dirtbikes. It will be a fabulous weekend.
This week has been a bit draining. I've done a lot of soul-searching and began executing change in my life. It seems like when that's the goal, to change any aspect of the status quo, then heels get dug in to impede progress. Sometimes your own. Sometimes others. This usually makes the process exhausting.
This week has had it's rewards, though. I completed journals. I opened an etsy shop. I volunteered last night at ESL class. And, I worked very hard every day at work. For the most part, I did not get bogged down by economic doom and gloom. I meditated. I *thought* about doing yoga, does that count? I ate healthy food. I practiced random acts of kindness.
My friend, Connie, at dirty footprints wrote recently about being the change. She works in a negative work environment and she started changing herself... in order to cope with it. I have stopped absorbing all the negativity around me. I do NOT participate in convos about the failing economy or the election. I simply remove myself from the area, either literally or figuratively. What a difference it makes!
I am on day 13 of my 1oo days... and it's just going to get better and better! There will be rocky roads... but I can handle them!
I guess I have to face the facts... fall is officially here. And in Portland that means rain... months of rain. Actually, it's sunny this week, but I love rain.
Fall is a busy time, probably for us all. Jam packed full of holidays and family time. And shopping. Christmas shopping for me usually means going to craft stores for supplies, or the grocery store. And then I make an assembly line and get everyone involved. Gift baskets have been a favorite of mine for years. Filled with cookie mix, cakes in a jar, my comfort wraps, my husbands pickles, jam... and it's a LOT of work!
This year, I think I am going to give journals and framed photos that I've taken. More personal, more compact... way easier to wrap too :-).
One of my goals on 100 days was to be more organized. I have been working to remove clutter in my house. I cleaned out my closet and donated bags of clothes. Thinned out my dvd collection from all the movies we never watch. Our lease is up in march, and I'm determined not to have to move unnecessary items.
So... this busy time of year is an ideal time for me to be more creative, and also to learn to breathe through the stress. I'm facing it the same way I've been facing most everything these days.... "bring it on!"
I've opened an Etsy shop. So far my journals are on there. I will add more items in the future. My shop is at www.robynsart.etsy.com
Today I wish for peace. When I do the Artist's Way... and now this 100 day challenge, I am forced to face issues that I've ignored or swept under the rug.
Generally it's like when you clean your room-- it always gets messier before it improves. Life is a lot like that. And when things bubble up that you've shoved down or swept under the rug... it can get ugly!
Today I will not try to sweep anything back under the rug... I will, however, try to examine what has surfaced and make a plan to deal with it.
I wish for the strength to deal with it. The wisdom to deal with it properly. I wish for compassion, for myself and others. I wish for the knowledge that what I am doing is right.
I have been working on a project this weekend. Working on some stuff for an etsy shop. It has been a very trying experience. I tried to work out details, then, as each attempt failed I became more frustrated. I dreamed the whole sequence through last night, and was ready to make a go of it this morning.
It has been a very difficult day though... each attempt brought on new failures. And each failure has brought education. Usually I embrace failure, because I know that I am learning from it. Not today. Today I am not embracing failure at all. I am frustrated and tired. I've been trying to trudge through though... and perhaps that's why I keep failing. I think it's time to rest and move back from this project until tomorrow.
I took this picture at our airport. I wasn't traveling anywhere, just wanted to go check out the airport. It was a fun trip. I love being able to see the times in different parts of the world.
I am on a journey to find my authentic self... I wonder how many time zones I will have to pass through to get to it? I have made 3 very good friends online lately. And I'm sure they are probably both in different time zones than I am. So... at least three. The world is small. I can send a text to my brother in Utah, and hear back from him within a minute. We have amazing technology. I could take a picture on my cell phone and send it to you and you could be seeing exactly what I'm seeing within a couple of minutes.
I am taking some steps... baby steps. To open an etsy shop. First I will have to figure a few things out, and narrow down exactly what I will try to sell. My goal is to do something with my photography. So... that's the next thing.
I am on my way to making the things happen on my wish list. Me... my friends... and the Universe... no excuses for not doing it all.
I am learning a lot about manifesting. So here are some things I want to make happen.
I want a job where I can use my creativity and create my own hours, making more than I do at my current job.
I want relationships that click with my authentic self.
I want a nice, trustworthy vehicle.
I want to publish my novel.
I want to publish my poetry.
I want to use my photographs to make items for an etsy shop.
I want to make journals, possibly with my photos as the cover.
I want to paint.
I want to exercise daily.
I want to be mindful.
Today I would love to go to this bench and just ponder. I don't feel well and I don't want to be at work... but we do what we need to do in life. Mentally, I will be sitting right up there. I will be thinking about the wonderful friends I have made online. I will be thinking about the human spirit and how resilient it is. And I will be thinking about life's lessons. Sometimes, in the throes of receiving those lessons, life can totally suck. But once we receive the lesson and grow through it, we are better people.
I think of the multitude of lessons I have received and I am grateful. I have been through numerous personal trials and challenges. And yes, for that I am thankful. Each one has had a part in making me who I am. And as I stated before, I like who I am.
I have met so many people online, most recently through my blog. Years ago... about 13 years ago, I think... I was going into a chat room in my home town of Corpus Christi, Texas. I was homesick and it seemed like the best way to sort of be there. Anyway... I made friends with this woman whose login was 'sunshine' or something to that effect. We chatted for a year before she made a connection and sent me a private message "is so and so your grandfather?" That freaked me out, but I said yes. "Did you live at such and such address?" Yes again... and I almost disconnected. However, I asked how she knew information about me. She was my 2nd cousin who I had not seen in over 10 years, and then it was mostly at family reunions. We had an entire year to grow a bond, then found out that we were family. Small world.
I am grateful for challenges, for my spirit, and for friends today. What are you, my friend, thankful for?
Sunday I was on a picture taking expedition. I was working on a project and it had absolutely nothing to do with trees. However, when you see something interesting, snap a picture! This tree is defying all the rules. It should not be growing out of this metal container on the river.
But it is. And it's doing well. Sometimes, in relationships or jobs, it's not the perfect environment for growth. And the easy solution is to move on over to the environment that is easiest, most nurturing. However, I do not think that easy has ever necessarily strengthened anyone.
I have had my share of jobs. Have they all been well suited for me? No way. But I can honestly say that with each one I learned from it, and I left traces of me there. Perhaps a way of doing a task, a joke, a thought of an event that made the coworkers smile.
My current job is so far off the path of where my life was leading. I have been a caregiver of sorts all of my life. Always been in the medical field. I took care of my bedridden mother from the age of 9, then my jobs included med-aide at an assisted living, job developer for developmentally delayed adults, administrator of an alzheimer's unit. However, now I work in the scale house of a gravel pit. I print the weigh tickets for the dumptruck drivers.
Strange transition? Perhaps... but I was facing serious burnout. And, mostly, this place was hiring when I needed a job. Even though it's not my norm, I love it! I have tweaked the job to suit me. I challenge myself to do the job better, faster, take on more tasks. And I honestly think that many of the drivers look forward to coming back, maybe only to see what I will say or do next. But they don't dread seeing me.
I have always agreed with the saying "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" I believe it was Nietsche who said that. And I fully believe that it's true. We can find good in most any situation. And we can grow in adverse environments.
Today, I will concentrate on turning bad situations around. In helping others thrive in challenging environments. And being thankful for the harshest of situations, seeing them as opportunities for growth.
I recently signed up to do a 100 day challenge called Co-Creating Your Reality. I am on day 2. I made a vision board today and I have stated my intentions for the 100 days. I am focusing on:
They are such tiny little things really, but if I focus on them, then I feel like so much will fall into place.
Yesterday I painted. This is HUGE! I had a vision for a painting the night before and whipped it out last night. What an amazing feeling. I have not been moved to paint in months. Today I took pictures for a project I am working on. I am carrying my camera just about everywhere right now, and I've found that I see so many things of beauty every single day. Then I take pictures and can play with them.
Like the flower. How beautiful is that? I was very focused on what I was taking pictures of today, but I could not pass up this beautiful flower. And now I will always have that moment in time.
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and goal setting lately. I have started listing goals on www.43things.com and tracking progress, and this Saturday I'm starting a 100 day program called Co-Creating our Reality.
About a month ago, I posted a goal on 43 things of wanting to volunteer. I had no ideas about how I would do that, simply posted "I want to volunteer". Within a week, a friend of mine asked me if I would help him at ESL classes by volunteering either one or two days a week. I've known him for years, and this is his second year of doing ESL. His wife is my best friend, and she spoke about her husband volunteering there but he had never discussed it with me. Then he came out of the blue and approached me. Synchronicity of the universe.
Anyway, class started 3 weeks ago. I missed last week because we had a birth in the family and I had to go see the baby. So, I've been there twice. I have already grown as a person due to this class. Prior to this, public speaking would be completely impossible for me. Red face, shortness of breath, blank mind, all of that would paralyze me and I could not speak in front of more than a few close people. However, I have had to get up in front of class and tell them about myself. I have had to act out skits with another teacher. I have had to go around the room assisting with punctuation, approaching complete strangers.
I feel amazing. I feel like I am gaining so much self confidence. And the process of teaching an adult to speak English is so interesting to me. I find that I have so much patience with the students. Love pours out of me for them because I am so in awe of what they are trying to accomplish. English is hard! There was a couple in my first class who must have been in their 60's. And they spoke NO English. But they could listen, and they could repeat. And they will learn. That is awesome to me.
I find that I am more open to possibility than I ever have been before. And I am so happy to be where I am right now, and totally willing to go to the next step, whatever that may be.
Another camping picture... I remember taking this picture because I was in awe of how it grew in this spot, despite everything. Despite the fact that it had to send it's roots way out so they would have something to grab ahold of. This tree was probably 100 feet tall.
Very often, nature echoes my thoughts about life. Grow where you are planted is a pretty popular phrase. That phrase has it's pros and cons as far as I am concerned. Yes, make the best of any situation and enrich those around you with your presence. But if you are in a relationship that's impossible, go plant yourself elsewhere... but that's a tangent.
When we went camping, and were packing up to go home, I was asked why I was picking up garbage that was not ours. Some campers prior to us had left a couple of cans in a bush. My response was "because we always want to leave things nicer than when we found them." It's the same in life. People around you should be better off for having met you. Situations should improve. Things should be left a little cleaner in any sense of that word.
When I have dinner at someone's home, I love to do the dishes, if they will let me. I want to be a good guest and leave them with a good impression. I learned that from my husband's grandmother, who insisted on washing Thanksgiving dishes one year... and I was so grateful.
I am inately a fixer. So... any relationship in my life, I try to make things better. If anyone I know is having a problem, I try to help troubleshoot. No relationship advice, though. That's a big no-no. Anyway, I can't keep a thought in my head this morning...
I gain inspiration from a lot of different things around me. I learn lessons from trees, from falling leaves, from thunderstorms, from a bag of garbage. As long as I am willing to listen, I learn.... and it makes each day worth living.
Years ago I was writing a column on an internet newspaper. My column was about the internet and one was about chat programs and people's actions. I was a daily user of a chat from my hometown newspaper. I lived in Alaska, but my hometown was Corpus Christi, Texas. I made a lot of friends there, and eventually planned to meet everyone when I went home.
I met probably a dozen people. I was stunned. Only one was how she portrayed herself online. Everyone else was remarkably different in person. I used the experience for an article, and I lost a lot of 'friends' when they read that article. In hindsight, I realize the internet is a lot like the first day at a new school. It's a blank slate and you can be anyone that you could possibly want to be. You can create different user names for different situations, and try on new personas. How awesome is that?
As I get older, though. I want authenticity in my life. I don't feel the need to try on different masks because I've really grown to like myself. I think about my different situations... I am the same person at ESL as I am at work. I am the same on girls night as I am other times. Not necessarily the same at home as those other places, but I've always thought certain things should stay at home and that home is where you can fully remove all masks and let your hair down.
When I was trying to market myself as a painter, it was difficult. I was unsure of who I was in that situation and saw it as an opportunity to create myself. It didn't work out very well. If I were trying to market myself today... as an artist, writer, etc. I am sure that I could do it right. I am comfortable in my skin. Comfortable in my abilities. And I have attained at least some level of authenticity.
This weekend, I did not once sit down and meditate. However, on Saturday, I went room to room, cleaning the house. And in every action, I was mindful. I was right there in the moment. I was present as I scrubbed the toilets, as I rinsed the sinks, as I hung laundry. It was a peaceful, fulfilling act. The act of cleaning.
I also went through the closet and donated all clothes that were good but not being worn anymore for whatever reason. I also threw away those that were overworn. I did yoga. I was at peace. There was a peace within and surrounding me.
Saturday night, however, I was tested. Drama started circulating through the house and arms came out to surround me and engulf me in it. However, my peace kept me from becoming engulfed in it. It shielded me and kept me calm. I was not able to diffuse the situation, because crazy-makers want their drama so bad. But I was not a part of it.
It was an amazing feeling. I have struggled with crazy-makers for most of my life. They are everywhere. And as a general rule in the past, their crazy-making has spread over to me, making me angry, hostile, helpless, and unhappy. I feel like something within has changed. I have a force field of peace.
And I know that I must work on this. This peace will not linger around me if I don't go through my day mindfully. And... now that I know the key, no problem.
I wish all of you peace. There will always be drama, and issues, but if we cope peacefully, then those around us will learn those skills as well.
I get an email daily with a quote in it. It's called Daily Karma. This morning, it said "A yard that is not cared for is eventually overgrown by weeds." And, as a 16 year old that I know would say, that's a thinker.
I can honestly say I have not really pondered this before. And this morning it hit me as if I walked right into a pole. So... we are growing and changing daily. If we don't do it mindfully then we don't guide our growth. Wow.
If I don't pursue my goals as I grow, then I grow AWAY from them. Painting, for instance... have not picked up a brush in weeks... and I have no idea why. Am I still growing? Oh, by leaps and bounds. But are my painting abilities? No. So what am I growing? I'm growing a long list of excuses not to paint for one. And I am growing out of the habit of painting daily. Weeds are moving in because I'm not cultivating the good.
I will definitely be working on this one in the coming days and weeks. I will put one foot in front of the other to mindfully cultivate the things that I want.
A co-worker of mine says that if you look at the 5 people you spend the most time with, then their attitude generally reflects yours. If they are negative, then guess what? So... taking inventory. Person #1 (in order of importance to me, of course), NOT negative. Person #2, NOT negative. Person #3, NOT negative. Persons #4 & #5, extremely negative. Ok, now in realistic terms of who I am around the most. Guess what? 4 & 5. Not out of choice, but because of the placement in my life. I'm working on that.
I have a mantra for today. It is this: "For today, let me be a positive force for those around me."
And that reminds me of the Reiki creed.
Hm... not much more I can add to that really....
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