Monday, March 22, 2010

Brutal Honesty

For this week, and maybe after, I'm going to be blogging at night. It's my most opportune time, especially this week-- Spring Break.

I got an email from a good friend today, telling me of some hard times and how much my blog helps her and keeps her from going over the edge. That email touched me deeply. I want so badly to get back there... back to where I'm inspiring people and helping them through their hard times. And it seems like I've been taking a lot more than I've been giving. I want to be there. I want to help people... that's all I have ever really wanted to do.

That's what I want. But the fact is that Dad's death forever changed me. My stepmom's death changed me. There isn't a moment when I forget that Dad is gone. And I miss him deeply. So. My journey continues. A small voice told me earlier while thinking of all this that honesty is what my readers need. So, here's my brutally honest truth. I am sad to the core. I want to help people, but my heart has been bruised and I don't feel a strength to pull from in order to help them. But the want is there, perhaps stronger than ever. And I know that once I adjust to this, and the pain subsides, I will be stronger for it, and I will be *that* much better at helping others. A greater understanding will come from all this.

I have been thinking about my novel, and I'm sure that part of it will deal with grief. And no, that's not why Dad died... Dad died because he was very ill and he simply could not fight any more. But I can learn from this. I can grow. Dad will always be with me. And when my book is published, it will be dedicated at least in part to his love.

On a side note, remember a few weeks ago when I blogged about what I've learned from Dad's death? Those lessons are continuing. I will no longer tolerate the crazymakers, no matter what role they once had in my life. I recently "un-friended" a relative on facebook. And I am better for it. I have no place for the crazymakers who act like the Tasmanian Devil, spinning around, trying to pull everyone into their crazy. I am stronger for Dad's last words to me "Stay away from those crazymakers."

Thank you all for the constant love and support. I feel not worthy, but I am thankful and I will be stronger soon.


ardee said...

Just visiting your blog and knowing that I'm not alone in the day to day trials and tribulations of life is more help than you can possibly know! There is no need for you to be strong or helpful right now for anyone other than yourself. I realize that and anyone who cares about you should realize that, too! Just be you and keep on keeping on doing what you're doing. Love you!!

giggles'N' rainbows said...

Hold on Robyn you'll get back to the real you in time. In the meantime while you heal there is a wealth of information that can be found in your previous blogs. We've all been helped by you...let others extend a helping hand to you now. I'm so looking forward to your novel!
Boy would it be nice sometimes to have an “un-friend" button in real life. Staying away from the crazymakers is one of the many lessons I learned from you. Applying it is much harder but I'm working on it.

TheHappySoul said...


You've been giving of yourself without hesitation for a very long time, and soooo many people have learned from you! It's our time to help YOU. Take care of you, and in the meantime, remember that we are here for you whenever you need us. We all love you, and totally understand.


Mary said...

I know how sad you are...the words sad to the core describe it well. You are growing each day and that is awesome. Remember your Dad is with you always. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Anonymous said...

(((((((((((((Robyn))))))))))))) There is strength in leaning on others for support. You know the feeling you get from helping others? Others feel the same from helping you! I can only hope that the words I give you touch you in even a fraction of the way that you have touched me. Hang in there, and concentrate on receiving the love people are sending you... your time to give will come again soon enough.


Monika's Gifts Galore said...

Aww robyn, eventually you will find ways to deal with it better, and the pain will not be as bad, can't say it will go away because mine has yet to but in a way I celebrate my daddys birthday by releasing balloons and playing his favorites songs and I just reflect on memories for awhile, I think that helps a bit.

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