For this week, and maybe after, I'm going to be blogging at night. It's my most opportune time, especially this week-- Spring Break.
I got an email from a good friend today, telling me of some hard times and how much my blog helps her and keeps her from going over the edge. That email touched me deeply. I want so badly to get back there... back to where I'm inspiring people and helping them through their hard times. And it seems like I've been taking a lot more than I've been giving. I want to be there. I want to help people... that's all I have ever really wanted to do.
That's what I want. But the fact is that Dad's death forever changed me. My stepmom's death changed me. There isn't a moment when I forget that Dad is gone. And I miss him deeply. So. My journey continues. A small voice told me earlier while thinking of all this that honesty is what my readers need. So, here's my brutally honest truth. I am sad to the core. I want to help people, but my heart has been bruised and I don't feel a strength to pull from in order to help them. But the want is there, perhaps stronger than ever. And I know that once I adjust to this, and the pain subsides, I will be stronger for it, and I will be *that* much better at helping others. A greater understanding will come from all this.
I have been thinking about my novel, and I'm sure that part of it will deal with grief. And no, that's not why Dad died... Dad died because he was very ill and he simply could not fight any more. But I can learn from this. I can grow. Dad will always be with me. And when my book is published, it will be dedicated at least in part to his love.
On a side note, remember a few weeks ago when I blogged about what I've learned from Dad's death? Those lessons are continuing. I will no longer tolerate the crazymakers, no matter what role they once had in my life. I recently "un-friended" a relative on facebook. And I am better for it. I have no place for the crazymakers who act like the Tasmanian Devil, spinning around, trying to pull everyone into their crazy. I am stronger for Dad's last words to me "Stay away from those crazymakers."
Thank you all for the constant love and support. I feel not worthy, but I am thankful and I will be stronger soon.