Sometimes I am my own Crazy Maker

A lot of discussion about crazymakers lately. I am in the thick of doing The Artist's Way again, and each time I do the program, so much is revealed to me. Crazymakers are those in your life who constantly spin out of control and make your life a living hell. I equate them to the Tazmanian Devil, spinning around, destroying all near them, or at least attempting to.

I have very good defenses against crazymakers. I journal, I have a good thought process and can identify them very quickly. But most importantly, I have an amazing support system. And the amazing supports in place generally negate all harm a crazymaker can do.

However, there are times (very seldom, thankfully, but it does happen) when I am my own crazymaker. Sometimes, that crazymaker is called PMS. Sometimes it's simply called jealousy, insecurity, exhaustion, or generally being fed up.

Yesterday was one of those times. I trudged onward, I did my work, I went through the motions. But on the inside... I completely felt like my head was going to spin around and I would shoot venom out of my face like in the exorcism movies. I let two people into my head yesterday. Only 2. Two people who I love and trust a great deal.

One of those people completely understood, the other couldn't even comprehend why I was feeling the way I was. But both were amazingly supportive. They both helped me to work through it.

I pride myself in being strong. In having almost impermeable walls. I have amazing self-protection skills, and can work through most things. But when the attacks come from within, it's time to pull from the strength of those around me.

As I re-read that last paragraph, I'm filled with awe. It wasn't too long ago (in the grand scheme of things) where I would have NEVER leaned on another for help with the crazymaker in my head. I would not have wanted to show my vulnerability. Would never have admitted weakness. But I have grown. Amazingly so. And with my new-found strength comes a knowledge that I am not strong on my own at all times.

Sometimes strength means drawing from others. Sometimes it means talking through issues, admitting your weaknesses. Or simply being held while you struggle.

I wish you all well on your journey. Don't forget to lean on those around you. It does not make you weak.