Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Sometimes I am my own Crazy Maker

A lot of discussion about crazymakers lately. I am in the thick of doing The Artist's Way again, and each time I do the program, so much is revealed to me. Crazymakers are those in your life who constantly spin out of control and make your life a living hell. I equate them to the Tazmanian Devil, spinning around, destroying all near them, or at least attempting to.

I have very good defenses against crazymakers. I journal, I have a good thought process and can identify them very quickly. But most importantly, I have an amazing support system. And the amazing supports in place generally negate all harm a crazymaker can do.

However, there are times (very seldom, thankfully, but it does happen) when I am my own crazymaker. Sometimes, that crazymaker is called PMS. Sometimes it's simply called jealousy, insecurity, exhaustion, or generally being fed up.

Yesterday was one of those times. I trudged onward, I did my work, I went through the motions. But on the inside... I completely felt like my head was going to spin around and I would shoot venom out of my face like in the exorcism movies. I let two people into my head yesterday. Only 2. Two people who I love and trust a great deal.

One of those people completely understood, the other couldn't even comprehend why I was feeling the way I was. But both were amazingly supportive. They both helped me to work through it.

I pride myself in being strong. In having almost impermeable walls. I have amazing self-protection skills, and can work through most things. But when the attacks come from within, it's time to pull from the strength of those around me.

As I re-read that last paragraph, I'm filled with awe. It wasn't too long ago (in the grand scheme of things) where I would have NEVER leaned on another for help with the crazymaker in my head. I would not have wanted to show my vulnerability. Would never have admitted weakness. But I have grown. Amazingly so. And with my new-found strength comes a knowledge that I am not strong on my own at all times.

Sometimes strength means drawing from others. Sometimes it means talking through issues, admitting your weaknesses. Or simply being held while you struggle.

I wish you all well on your journey. Don't forget to lean on those around you. It does not make you weak.


TheHappySoul said...

AMAZING post today, Sis! So true! I hadn't really thought about how I can be my own crazymaker until now. Now that I think about it, I do it quite often. Thankfully, I also have the best support I could ever ask for, and even when my head is spinning and I feel like defeat is inevitable, they help me see my way through. Every time. Without you to lean on, I have no idea where I'd be in this life. Probably spinning my wheels (and my head) uncontrollably for eternity!


Anonymous said...

Fantastic post Robyn. I have been feeling like my own crazymaker quite a bit lately. Perhaps it is a result of TAW, or perhaps I am trying too hard not to be a crazymaker to others. Drawing the line between being a crazymaker and taking care of self has been difficult for me. Thank you for reminding that it is ok, and healthy, to lean on others for support.


KanYoFuse said...

Great post Robyn. I think you have identified a new syndrome. CMS Crazy Maker Syndrome. I think we are all cycling together.

giggles'N' rainbows said...

What a wonderful post! I too, at times am my own crazymaker!
Leaning on others is hard for me right now; the ones I felt sure I could trust are not always "there" at least not at times when I needed them most. So I have some building and weeding to do, sorting out just who to trust.
I have found a few people lately that inspire and direct my focus on the strength I have within; that I am a strong person and maybe just maybe I don’t need to “lean” so often or lean so entirely; on others. This same group has been a support to me while I sort things out, grow and learn the healthy art of giving and receiving needed support.

Miss Meliss said...

I am always my own crazymaker. Hence the heart your art campaign. ;)


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